No one will get hero cookies.Because this is the story that makes all other stories pee in their book covers. This story puts the pi in epic because it is infinitely awesome… Get it? Anyway. This is the sequel to the Bible. Here is the story that tells the tale. Of how String Theory staff is made of Tiger Blood and Charlie Sheen DNA.
It was a long time ago when I got the letter. The letter that read DESTINY on the front. It didn't have a return address so I didn't know who to send it back to. But it wasn't addressed to anyone just Destiny and since I don't know anyone named Destiny I got sad but decided to open it anyways. Oh and no postage stamp. So someone was just being cheap. But what should happen when I opened the letter? A fairy fluttered out of the envelope. She flitted around in a bright green dust, shedding little green dust as she danced around the whatever room I was in.
"Hellodie!" She piped in the cutest voice ever possible ever.
"Oh hi." I said
"My name is Ellis! I'm your fairy guide! Like on Zelda!"
"Oh! That fairy is not annoying at all."
"I know!"
"So… what's up?"
"Oh not much. Just hanging out in envelopes." She said.
"That's cool." I said.
"Yep." She piped happily.
"Yeaaah." I stretched.
"So…"
"You hear about Japan?"
"Yeah. Real sad."
"Yeah." She said with a voice so cute, it had bows on it. "So anyways. The world is going to end. Want to help?"
"Sure." I said. Because I couldn't afford to buy the next season of Dexter yet. So I had some time to spare until my next paycheck.
The Ellis Fairy told me of a grand story how the realm of StringTheoria was under a threat from an evil clan known only as the WORA. That was always in all caps. WORA was invading with a bunch of drooling zombies that grew mean fungus on everything they touched. And they also tasted like the bottom of cowboys boots that worked on a cow manure farm. If you ever decided to taste them. The Ellis fairy told me that we had to immediately embark on our epic journey that would last several more paragraphs. But we were going to need help. We needed the fellowship of the staff. First my little fairy led me to the land of StoneaGuys where we would meet our first companion. The Warrior known only as Rockefeller.
It took like five minutes which is three days internet questing time. We had to go down into the deepest dankest cave. Sometimes I got scared of the dark. But Ellis concentrated real hard and lit up the cave with her friendly attitude. And then I felt better. Following her tiny fairy figure we braved through the cave and came out the other side. Only to almost get hit with a big rock! There were rocks being thrown all over the place!
CRASH!
A rock splattered against the mouth of the cave as we exited. I covered my face with my hands so I wouldn't see the next rock coming at me. And then it hit me. Not the rock, Ellis. She taclked me with her tiny thumbs out of the way of the rock.
"Watch out!" She yelled with her little voice.
We had to run around under the giant mountain we found ourselves in front of and then we heard a voice that sounded like it was carved from the toughest rock in the world. Which is called granite. Or something. Idk.
"HAAAAY~ WHO ARE YoU!~"
"Hello, we have come seeking the aid of Rockefeller we need help in our quest to save the land from the WORA." I called out and Ellis nodded in agreement because I was right.
A hearty laughter came down from the mountain from the person we couldn't see. "Stop the WORA?! You! You'll never be able to do it!"
"Please we need your help!" I calls out.
"Okay fine sure. You convinced me." And with that, Rockefeller landed in a heap of sizzling awesome, the grand cracking around her warrior feet. "Welcome to my home! I spend all day throwing rocks and beating up homeless people in my land. Come have dinner in my cave!"
So we did. We gathered around the fire while Rockefeller served us bowls of piping steak broth. Ellis got a tiny bowl because she's a fairy.
Rockefeller was explaining the perils of our journey as we ate. "If you really want to stop the WORA. You'll need more than me. You'll need help. I know some people who will help. But we have a long journey. So you need to sleep to be ready!" And then she knocked me out with a ladle so I could get enough rest.
The next day Rockefeller, Ellis and I traveled away from the rock land to the heavy woods. Unfortunately we were attacked by a few super twenty year old super strong super agile ninjas who could smell fear. I hid in a bucket I found while Ellis flew around it in circles trying to ward off the ninjas.
"DON'T WORRY!~" Rockefeller yelled with a tilde. "I EAT NINJATWINKS FOR BREAKFAST AND SOMETIMES BRUNCH IF I WAKE UP LATE FROM DRINKING THE NIGHT BEFORE FOR TOO LONG OR IF I JUST GET CARRIED AWAY WITH SOMETHING I'M DOING OR I GET CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC FOR A LONG TIME AND GET HOME LATER THAN I SHOULD HAVE OR IF THERES A TORNADO!"
Rockefeller drew her Great Balancing sword and wore her rock armor as she ran into the fray. Her sword cleaved a ninja in half before she went at another one. Unfortunately the next one dodged fifty times and the third ninja was immune to steel. So Rockefeller had to pull out the big guns which were actually big guns. It had rapid fire which shot one million and three holes in the second ninja. But the third ninja was also immune to bullets we came to find out. Rockefeller and the third ninja that was also a super model engaged in three hours of the most epically unbalanced combat there has ever been. Finally it seemed like Rockefeller was gaining the upper hand from my bucket, but the ninja's connection went out. So.. We just kept going. AND WE ARRIVED AT THE GREAT WOOD.
Rockefeller led us to a giant big tree where we knocked on the little knot hole thing. "Hold on." She said, wiping twinkblood off of her face. "Make sure not to spell anything wrong."
"Okay." I siad, folding my arms as Ellis perched on my shoulder. And then the tree opened up.
"Oh hello hello. Come in, come in! Welcome to my home!" The gnome wizard that lived inside the tree said, welcoming us in. "Rockefeller it's so good to see you in my home again."
"Hullo greenwich." Rockefeller said, leading us in.
We had dinner again, Greenwich made us bengiets.-
"You're spelling that wrong!" The wizard yelled at me while I typed.
"I'm sorry!" I said.
"You should google it!"
"I'm tired!"
So anyways. We sat down to eat these doughnut things. And Greenwich showed us her very productive tree home. Many charts and graphs posted around the hollowed out tree. She told us how we could beat the WORA.
"A team is good. But you will need more than that. You will need…" She looked around. "The Brooklyn."
Rockefeller laughed. "Everyone knows The Brooklyn doesn't exist! Guffaw!"
"No no, The Brooklyn DOES exist! I know, I've researched it three times! It's the only way you can beat the Wora. But to bring the Brooklyn you have to have a great sacrifice." Greenwich explained, adjusting her pointy wizard gnome hat.
"Like on Narnia?" I asked. "Is she an animal? Like A LION LIKE ASLAN?!" While I was asking questions I found an iPod in the tree and started playing with it. I played Mumford and Sons because it's my song(s). And I like it more than anyone. But the Greenwich Wizard was allowed to like it in second place since it's appreciation day.
"The Brooklyn is an animal of course!" Greenwich laughed like I was stupid. "The Brooklyn is not a lion. Silly. The Brooklyn is a mighty sloth. Obviously."
"Oh cool."
"yeah."
So anyways, Rockefeller the Warrior, Ellis the Fairy, me the me, and Greenwich the Wizard continued to trek on. We had to find the Mad Scientist, the Keeper of Tranquility, and the Queens of the land. First we went to the Mad Scientists house. We had to cross a lava river which Greenwich made stepping stones of ice over the river of lava, which was sad because they melted later but we got across and inot the Mad House of Manhattan.
"HULLO!" Manhattan shouted as we entered the Mansion Mad House. It was crazy. Because he was doing so many things. I watched as he concocted a formula, sent an e-mail to nasa, ate a corndog, juggled a midget, and cured breast cancer all at once. "Wow! I'm drained! What's up guys!"
I was impressed by his multi tasking and ability to use exclamation marks. But I had recruited a bunch of these guys so far and was pretty sure the readers would get the idea that he was going to join so I was just like. "Come on."
"OKAY!" Manhattan said while using the toilet, fixing a toaster, delivering a baby turtle from a mommy turtle in labor and finished a crossword puzzle. "Let's go!"
The crew and I went to Serenity Gardens. Greenwich floated us with her magical mystic know-how over a big fence while Manhattan painted a wooden pigeon, removed a cyst from Rockefeller's foot, and sewed my torn jeans. We landed in Serenity Gardens. And all looked about.
"Wow." I said. "How do you find someone in a garden like this!"
Ellis smiled happily and fluttered off to the land of Googlia. She flew back fast like a mouse on crack and said, "You have to pluck the Diplomatic Rose in order for her to poof out of the ground like a peaceful and nice gopher!"
"Oh!" I said and went to pluck the thing that she said. Once I plucked it there was a puff of magical sparkles.
"Hello! I'm Chinatown! How are you!"
"I'm great!" I said! -
"No not you! Everyone with you! I don't think I like you!" She smiled happily and then went on to have a wonderful conversation with the rest of my team. We had dinner again. Chinatown made us noodles. Which was awesome. I like noodles. Except I didn't get any. But the rest of the team really liked them and they looked great.
Chinatown knew exactly how to summon The Brooklyn and defeat the WORA once and for all. I cleaned her place while she told everyone how we could get The Brooklyn to help us.
END PART 1 OF 2. NEXT TIME ON THE ADVENTURES OF STAFF: The team meets the Queens of the land, and engages in battle with the mighty army of WORA. Will they be able to summon The Brooklyn for victory?! (yes) Will they be able to turn the tides and save StringTheoria (yes) Will somehting happen that you're not expecting?! (prolly not) TUNE IN NEXT TIME