Big Fucking Jerk

Participants:

berlin_icon.gif colette_icon.gif lucille3_icon.gif

Scene Title Big Fucking Jerk
Synopsis What's a few secrets between friends?
Date December 17, 2018

The Bunker


Lucille's eyes travel over to one her closest friends with a light shrug of her shoulders. "Alrighty." Awkwardly averting her gaze. Pale blue eyes find Berlin's and she holds that gaze, she wants their younger friend to know. That they are both trustworthy.

The desolate field on the edges of civilization was good a place as any for this… demonstration. Luce also had a flask in her back pocket, covered by the black asymmetrical blazer she dons, movements light and quiet as she wades through the tall grass, turning her head to the side to see Colette and Berlin alike, "This looks like a good spot."

Arriving at Berlin's door with a flask of tequila and a gentle smile, Lucille led her two friends to this place. She was curious about somethings, Colette needed to be let in on some things.

Berlin wasn't hard to convince to come out with her friends, even with things being what they are. Maybe especially with things being what they are. However, when they stop in the middle of nowhere, her expression turns more wary. It isn't Colette or Lucille she doesn't trust— it's herself. Or whatever these conduits inside of her are.

"A good spot for what, exactly?"

She has a pretty solid guess, but there's always the change she is reading the situation wrong. A glance goes to Colette, as she tries to suss out what she knows and doesn't. And if she was in on this idea.

Lucille,” Colette says with her head down, forefingers and thumb massaging the bridge of her nose, “I already told you, I’m not helping you and Devon kidnap Avi. I’m just— not.” Things had been weird at the Bunker for a while between assignments.

Colette knew that she and Lucille were bound for Arkansas in a few days, and there was so much on the photokinetic’s agenda already. Standing in the middle of an open field on the far edges of Rochester weren't among them. Her winter jacket is zippered up to her chin, black on black with her jeans and boots, as though she was dressing out of Hana’s closet.

“Seriously, I've got mission prep for the Arkansas thing to turn in to Avi tomorrow.” Colette looks over to Berlin, brows furrowed with worry. “Why’re you benched?” Colette abruptly asks, having seen the active duty roster.

"Shh, I am planning something more, in depth." Before turning her gaze to Berlin when Colette goes and asks the question that Lucille brought them all out here to be answered. "I figured we needed to rip the band aid off, she's your sister too. She'll understand." This is said softly to the youngest of the trio and Lucille steps forward a step, though knowing where this might lead that isn't exactly the best idea. "Burr healed me. She's the reason my scar is gone, my ability back. I just found out." It still gets her emotional, the lying or not revealing herself part of it chalked up to necessary means of survival.

Lucille was as calculating as she was emotionally driven, she recognized how vulnerable Berlin had become by doing that, the start of the secret unveiling.

"Berlin.. has had a really fucked time Col. More than we knew before." Emotion creases her expression and she looks off, it's not right what their friend, sister has had to endure. "I thought we needed to clear the air before we had off to Arkansas."

Berlin stares at Lucille as she lets the cat out of the bag. There's a moment when she contemplates being upset about it, but ultimately decides not to be. It's her own fault that her secret is out anyway. She exhales her leftover annoyance on a sigh.

"It's not like that," she says, as far as her fucked time. Of course, it was a fucked time, but she has a problem with making it sound that way. She rubs her hands over her face, buying herself a few moments before she actually handles any of this. "I'm benched because I killed someone. Two someones," that's how she's choosing to start this conversation. "I went to investigate a lead on my own. I found someone who—" She pauses there, seeming to realize this is coming out a little backwards. "I have these… I have Volken's power. And Francois'. I've been hiding them and my real name for years."

She stops there, looking toward Lucille for help.

Colette’s expression is flattened, eyes wide but brows furrowed. There's color in her face, stiffness in her posture, betrayal in her eyes. That Berlin killed someone doesn't get addressed, not right away. On the hierarchy of things Colette would press someone over an extrajudicial killing or two isn't one she has a leg to stand on.

“So you're some kind of healer,” Colette says flatly, jaw tense. She doesn't think Lucille means literally, because she can't make sense of literally. “Why— why didn't you tell anyone? Why— why haven't you fixed the Major’s ankle, or— or Epstein’s entire stupid body?” Hands up in the air, Colette looks betrayed by the secrecy, by the fact that Lucille knew after all this time.

What about Lucille’s father?” Colette’s voice cracks, tears welled up in her eyes at the thought of Ryans dying of cancer without help. “What the fuck, Berlin?”

"Sorry, I know," that it isn't like that but she's being very casual with her two best friends probably in an effort to make sure Colette doesn't flip her lid. Lucille allows Berlin to explain as best as she can. Pale blue eyes travel between the two women, both who have become like sisters to the tall woman.

Colette's descent into tears and betrayal cause Lucille to step forward and lay a hand on the photokinetic's shoulder. "Col, stop." She has had time to get her head around why Berlin had lied all this time and it made sense, Colette had a point about healing the Major and Avi but.. she understands and she's grateful that Berlin decided to break her silence and risk her cover by healing her. "It's not like that Colette.. she's had to hide her whole life. She was with us on the island, had to be a little girl at the time.. she's been scared of who she is. Knowing what's inside.." Lucile shakes her head. "She risked it all to heal me and now.. well it's out in the open." Tears fall from the corner of her eyes and she looks at Colette with a fierce expression, "Don't you fucking do that. She needs us. It's Berlin." Tears flow freely and Lucille looks towards Berlin and reaches out to grasp her hand to squeeze.

"And she did heal dad. That's how I know. While I was upset that she didn't trust us at first.. she's given me.. my dad.. my family a gift."

While Colette speaks, Berlin's shoulders straighten. Her expression drains into something more blank than she normally wears. But she doesn't interrupt, even when Colette looks about to cry.

"It's okay, Lucille," she says, eventually. "I lied, she's not wrong about that. But that is why I hid. Because when people find out, they have a list of people. People to heal, people to hurt. Who else you got, Colette? Avi, Hana, friends, family? Maybe a beloved pet? Now you know and now I'm responsible for all the pain you can think of." She takes in a breath, working to keep it steady instead of shaky. She turns to Lucille, stepping that direction.

"This was a bad idea."

She doesn't seem to be interested in listening to Lucille defend her anymore than she is in hearing Colette yell at her. She doesn't stop walking once she reaches Luce, but keeps on going like she plans to leave.

Fuck you,” Colette spits back, “You don’t get to just run away after that!” She boosts up to her feet, pointing an accusing finger at Berlin, though. “It must be fucking hard to be responsible for your ability,” comes with a crack in her voice. “Yeah, everyone has a fucking list. Wouldn’t you have a fucking list? You stood by every single fucking day with us, fought with us, watched us bleed and you could’ve helped and you didn’t.

There’s fire in Colette’s words, her face is flushed, her hands are trembling. “I thought we were friends and you fucking lied to us! I— ” Her voice hitches in the back of her throat. “Why didn’t you tell me I knew you? What— big fucking— secret was that protecting!? I thought that little girl died!” Again, Colette’s voice cracks, jaw trembling. “Robyn has been looking for her for years! She even asked Avi for help!”

Breathing in short and shaky breathe, Colette looks back to Lucille. “How long were you going to fucking hide this from us?” Then, realizing the betrayal sunk deeper, Colette takes a step back and looks between the two. “At— at the hospital when— Lucille’s scar. Did you both— were you both just fucking with me!?”

Both women's reactions have Lucille's eyebrows ticking up and she holds up one hand slowly. "No, I did not know when we went to the hospital." The reminder makes Lucille's eyebrow twitch, okay that was rude but she's still standing firm on her stance on this matter. "Col, stop I—" Her friend continues and Lucille listens waiting for her opportunity. "Obviously she was scared!"

"I've only known a short time, I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away. I wanted Berlin to have the time to make the decision." But that hadn't seemed likely and so here the three are.

The taller of the three women looks between her friends, "Nobody wants to say anything they regret."

"Fuck you, Colette!" Berlin spins around with the shout, hands gesturing widely. "I am responsible for my ability. For keeping it under control. You have no idea what you're asking. And you don't care. If you didn't want to bleed, you should have picked another line of work. If the only value that I have to offer this team is this ability, then why am I here?"

When Lucille cuts in, Berlin slides her hands through her hair, blinking to fight back the burn of threatening tears. She doesn't want to talk about that little girl. She has spent years putting distance between Berlin and Nathalie, pushing them back together is not entirely comfortable.

"Don't yell at her, she didn't know," she says, finding it easier to rise to Lucille's defense. "She still wouldn't know if I could have juggled things better. No one would know. You can yell at me, not Luce."

Colette breezes past Lucille, giving her a vestigial but heated glance that looks lifted right off of Hana Gitelman’s own repertoire of scathing expressions. But her true ire lays squarely in Berlin. “No!” Colette screams, “you aren't being fucking responsible by keeping everything to yourself!” Her face is flushed red, hands clenched into fists, trembling. “That's called being a fucking coward!

Colette’s voice rings off the walls. “Your value as a member of Wolfhound is your expertise! Part of that is what you offer. This is a job, Berlin, not a fucking commune! This isn't the goddamned Ferrymen, you’re being paid for your skills and to keep your fucking team alive!” Her right hand shakes, muscles in her bicep tensing.

You could've been trained.” Colette says through clenched teeth, eyes pink with strain and tears of anger streaming down her cheeks. “We could've helped you! But instead you let Hana limp around with that fucking cane after she gave you a chance nobody else would have! After she trusted you!”

“You're a fucking bad as Beauchamp!” Colette’s voice cracks as she screams that. But the voice reverberates doubly in Berlin’s mind.

Colette stops on one of the steps, arms held out to the side, looking up at Abby, "If I had a gift like you, I wouldn't be afraid to use it to help people who needed it!"

She's so much younger. Scared, just like here. Angry, just like here.

“Who are you, to make demands on who I heal? Only god does, when he places them before me, and I have the strength. I'm not going to this time around. Because of you.”

A woman's voice Berlin has never heard, and yet, feels like it's her own. Abigail Beauchamp. She remembers herself. But not herself.

Colette breathes in a deep breath through her nose, coming up a few more steps, "If you don't help him, I'll turn you in." Those words ring out like a gunshot through the stairwell, despite how softly they are spoken. It is not the volume of the words said, but the gravity that they carry. "All I asked you for was help. Judah — He — He's protected my best friend from the people — from the thing you're afraid of. He's kept her a secret, and I know he'd do the same f-for you… but…" Her arms shake, rational thought slipping away to emotional response, "I'll do it."

The memory fades, a younger Colette’s softer face hardening into the woman standing in front of Berlin. This isn't the first time Colette’s had this argument. She isn't yelling at Berlin. She isn't yelling at Abigail. She's yelling for all the people she's failed to protect herself.

As Colette comes down and hard on Berlin the older of the three woman frowns, she has points but this was Berlin.. this was a special case. Those conduits.. Remembering Abby and her time at Old Lucy's is a rough one, she was lost then. "The fact of the matter is Col, we've had discomfort… pain.. but nobody has died." They haven't lost one member in that way, "And if any of us were going to die? I believe Berlin would have done then what she did for me."

"I brought her to you so we could start training and helping her." Frustration bubbling over for Lucille as this wasn't the way she wanted things to go, she could guess that's the same for Berlin and Colette. Blue eyes filled with emotion but no tears fall, she's at a loss. Both of her friends hurt.

The memory makes Berlin step back, her hand coming to press against her forehead like she might be able to push it back out of her mind. As she looks at Colette, her eyes turn from her natural brown to a bright blue. Too bright. Once it passes, she pushes her hair back from her face and lets out a shaky breath. She needs a moment, straightening her jacket and centering herself before she steps forward again.

"I'm sorry, Col," she says, her voice softer. Her hand comes to her friend's shoulder, her other moving to her cheek. "I'm sorry. You're right that I should have told the team. I was scared. I am scared." Her hands pull back, like she's just reminded herself of what danger she brings to the group as well. "I don't just heal people, I kill them, too. I drain everything until all they are is bones and ash. I don't know how to— How can it be my responsibility to use one and not the other? I wanted to keep them both buried and just… be Berlin. You should have seen Avi's face when he found out." She rubs a hand over her face, turning away from the others to pace a few steps away.

"I never wanted anyone to look at me like that."

When Berlin’s attitude shifts, Colette’s mercurial one does too. Lucille’s refereeing is both hard to ignore and also so much muffled trumpet sounds in her periphery at the moment. She hears Lucille but she doesn't hear Lucille. Sweeping a hand up across her face, Colette wipes away tears from her cheeks, scrapes them out of the corners of her eyes. A sharp breath slips out of her nose; a sigh, relent. Acceptance.

“I'm sorry,” is something the younger Colette would never have been able to say. But the adult standing in front of Berlin can. Does. “I'm— I'm sorry.” She takes a step forward, not accusatory now, but soft and broken. Her expression screws up, fighting back tears, throat working up and down slowly.

Colette reaches out for Berlin, but stops herself short and curls her fingers to her palm. She isn't sure where they all stand now. Now that the screaming has ended. Now that the fire has died down.

Watching with a fraction of widened eyes as Berlin bows her head and her eyes change. The scholar in Lucille wants to lean forward, not many people get to see this in person, not many people want too but Lu wants to understand for Berlin's sake and for her team's. As more tears fall between the three women, Lucille wipes a finger underneath her misting eyes. Ah there she is, Col. The switch in demeanor is noted, they were all emotional women. Strong emotional women who had each shouldered a burden nobody should have too at some point or another. The sisterhood was intact.

"We want to know you Burr, all of you. There's no hiding from us because we're family. We," looking towards Colette slowly, "Support you. Love you, never leave you." There's a stirring in Luce's gut as this promise unfurls.

"You can tell us, what that was.. with the blue eyes. What just happened?" Lucille wasn't going to allow these conduits to change how she felt about Berlin.

Berlin watches Colette start to move and rethink it. There's a kneejerk thought that it's because of what Berlin is, that it's fear. She looks at Colette for a long moment, taking in that softer look. She steps over to pull Colette into a fierce hug. When the yelling dies down, they stand together, that's how Berlin wants it to be.

When she pulls back, she pushes her hair out of her face and wipes at her cheeks. First, she shakes her head at Lucille's words, like that's the hardest part of all this to swallow.

"It— I sometimes remember things, from the other people who have had the conduits." She glances over at Colette, a hint of a smile forming at the corner of her lips. "I'm not the first one Col's yelled at." When she looks back to Luce, her eyes are brown again. "The blue eyes come with the territory. I keep them buried— but when I use my ability, my eyes turn blue."

Colette doesn't understand the similarities in so much as Berlin is trying to define them. She doesn't understand the nature of the conduits, doesn't even know the term for them, or really how they even exist. She just knows her friend has a dangerous power, and that her friend is hurting and scared. So when that hug comes in, Colette returns it with as much ferocity as she put behind her earlier shouting.

I love you so much you big fucking jerk,” Colette says into the fabric at Berlin’s shoulder, eyes wrenched shut to hold back tears. “So fucking much.” It doesn't matter to her why Berlin’s eyes turn blue, why this or why that. In the moment she just needs to reassure her. To push back from the anger that had consumed her moments ago.

"And I doubt you'll be the last." A faint smile on her lips as Berlin begins to break the ice and then Colette. Yes love each other that's the way. Lucille leans her head back and closes her eyes, breathing in deeply she speaks, "Don't hide your eyes. Not from us, you don't need to anymore." Lucille accepts all of Berlin, the need for her younger sister friend to feel that is great for the leggy woman.

All three very different women.

Lucille draws near and lays her head on the top of Berlin's head and wraps her arms around them both. "I love both of you so much. I could never have gotten through the last few years without you."

"I love you, too," Berlin says, an arm moving around each of them, "both of you. You're the first real family I ever had." Her hands are busy holding onto her friends, so there's nothing to stop tears from sneaking out of her eyes, even when she squeezes them shut. Because it's just hit her here that she could have told them at any time and they would have taken it, helped her carry it. There were years when she felt alone, but didn't have to. So she lingers there with the pair of them, letting it sink in.

"There's a lot I don't understand about all this," she says with a wide gesture as if she means everything, "but if I'm going to, I'm going to need your help."

“You've got it,” Colette whispers against Berlin’s hair, nose pressed down into the top of her head, “you've— always had it you stupid jerk.” There's a hiccuped mixture of laughter and crying that comes from Colette, and she snakes an arm around Lucille to bring her in to the embrace. The subtle back and forth movement of Colette’s head tousles Berlin’s hair with her nose.

“If you ever— do something this stupid again,” Colette says shakily, “I'll— I— ” She pulls her face back from Berlin’s head, eyes puffy and teary, nose wet with mucus. “I'll— get more snot in your hair?” Sorry.

"Sisters have to stick together. Can't get rid of us." Lu whispers and she nods as well, Berlin did always have it. Cracking a laugh at Colette's messy version of teaching a lesson she rears back and raises an eyebrow, "Biological warfare. It's like.. subtle.. I'm so proud." Another laugh as she leans away from whatever swat is coming from Col she wrinkles her nose and looks back to Berlin. Seeing as Lucille is the woman on the team known for their loud destructive nature.

"Anything, anything at all." Berlin knows where she sleeps. "How about a drink?" Nothing sounds better than a drink with her girls after a emotional start to the evening. A hand goes up to flick auburn strands out of her eyes as well as wipe away tears. "We've all lost enough water tonight." So getting more dehydrated was the answer.

"I'm sorry I'm so dumb," Berlin says, her words coming with a relieved chuckle. It's lighthearted, but she means it— that she didn't fold them in earlier. "I'll do better." When the snot is mentioned, she looks upward as if she might be able to see it there. She makes an exaggerated ew face when she looks back at Colette. "I hear it helps make your hair silky," she says, "but I think I can live without more."

Looking back to Lucille, her look softens. She wasn't thrilled to have her secrets laid out at the start of this, but that's all gone now. "Yes, please, I need several drinks." She glances to Colette, then back to Luce. "I need a shower and then several drinks." However gross her friends can be, she still leans over to kiss Colette's temple and then Lucille's before she drags the pair of them back toward the Bunker.


Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License