Elijah Prescott

Registry of the Non-Evolved Database

File #21 Feb 2010 06:39

Name Elijah Prescott Aliases
Status Unregistered Non-Evolved
Gender Male Race/Eth. White
Birthdate Age 42
Height Build
Eyes Brown Hair Black
Residence New York City
Employment Spoof News Anchor
Parents Siblings
Marital Status Married Children
First Seen Last Seen
Profile The anchor of the show Prescott Press, Elijah Prescott is known for his satirical show that lampoons politicians, celebrities, and generally the news itself. A show that rarely takes itself seriously, he's been known to get himself in trouble for making fun of particularly high profile people as well as being completely and utterly politically incorrect. Popular with a select group of dedicated fans, his show runs on a cable network.
Elijah Prescott
portrayed by

Stephen Colbert

"You're welcome, America."
Table of Contents



So, I was catching up on my magazine reading today — no no, don't judge, I need to find out how the 101 new ways to satisfy my man just as much as anyone else. Oh, Cosmo, why do you hate humankind? Most of your tips would make any man go running for the hills with his testicles drawn up inside him for protection. Believe me, I speak from experience; they do not like to be tugged.

But seriously, folks, while looking through the magazine rack, I was shocked, shocked to find my beautiful face on the cover of Pause Magazine (http://string-theory.wdfiles.com/local--files/pause-magazine/pauseapril2010.jpg). I only called them up every day for the past month to make sure I was on the cover and personally messengered cover picture ideas to editor Nalani Hollingwood's apartment. Surprisingly this one did not quite make the cut: (http://tinyurl.com/yc8vuhf). Nor did this one: (http://tinyurl.com/yks9zla). I have no idea why. I guess there is just no accounting for taste. Okay, I admit that first one is kind of creepy. Only because of how strangely attractive that little baby me is. And as for the second one? Well, a gentleman never kisses and tells…but you know you totally would, too. Liberty is totally smokin' hot.

Anyway, I've got to admit, what came as a bigger surprise, Nation, was learning that First Lady Heidi Petrelli was interviewed for the magazine as well. And somewhere in between reading about her three kids, being First Lady and the fact that her husband likes glittery vampires so much he gave her the Twilight Series to read, I realized something. She was on Page 56. And I was on The Front Cover. Of the 12 most interesting people in New York, I came out on top. I, Elijah Prescott, beat out the First Lady to the cover of Pause Magazine! Eat it, First Lady, I am more of a lady than you will ever be! I mean, are you surprised? You obviously haven't seen how well I can wear a skirted suit.

We'll be right back, pick up a copy of Pause Magazine everywhere that has the decency to call itself a proper magazine rack!

If you'd like an interview with Prescott, please contact Meredith!

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