So, I was catching up on my magazine reading today — no no, don't judge, I need to find out how the 101 new ways to satisfy my man just as much as anyone else. Oh, Cosmo, why do you hate humankind? Most of your tips would make any man go running for the hills with his testicles drawn up inside him for protection. Believe me, I speak from experience; they do not like to be tugged.
But seriously, folks, while looking through the magazine rack, I was shocked, shocked to find my beautiful face on the cover of Pause Magazine (http://string-theory.wdfiles.com/local--files/pause-magazine/pauseapril2010.jpg). I only called them up every day for the past month to make sure I was on the cover and personally messengered cover picture ideas to editor Nalani Hollingwood's apartment. Surprisingly this one did not quite make the cut: (http://tinyurl.com/yc8vuhf). Nor did this one: (http://tinyurl.com/yks9zla). I have no idea why. I guess there is just no accounting for taste. Okay, I admit that first one is kind of creepy. Only because of how strangely attractive that little baby me is. And as for the second one? Well, a gentleman never kisses and tells…but you know you totally would, too. Liberty is totally smokin' hot.
Anyway, I've got to admit, what came as a bigger surprise, Nation, was learning that First Lady Heidi Petrelli was interviewed for the magazine as well. And somewhere in between reading about her three kids, being First Lady and the fact that her husband likes glittery vampires so much he gave her the Twilight Series to read, I realized something. She was on Page 56. And I was on The Front Cover. Of the 12 most interesting people in New York, I came out on top. I, Elijah Prescott, beat out the First Lady to the cover of Pause Magazine! Eat it, First Lady, I am more of a lady than you will ever be! I mean, are you surprised? You obviously haven't seen how well I can wear a skirted suit.
We'll be right back, pick up a copy of Pause Magazine everywhere that has the decency to call itself a proper magazine rack!
Elijah Prescott, a dark haired man with glasses, sits behind a curved desk, basking in the glow of a roaring crowd. First, he raises his hands, egging on the audience and then he gestures for them to lower the volume.
"Thank you! Thank you! I know how how much of a pleasure it is for you to have me here. It's like that anniversary present that keeps on giving. You know which one I mean: the state of the art combination vacuum and oven. So, get back into that kitchen and suction me a pie, woman.
"Now, I don't want to tell anyone how to think…but you will listen to me and you will agree with everything I say. This recent Mayoral election has had a lot of people on edge. Registering, not registering, Evolved, Non-Evolved…and that was just Marcus Donovan's campaign. But, with the election of Sylvia Lockheart we have finally found ourselves a leader we can all trust in.
"I know, I know, all those bleeding heart skeptics are all up in arms about her desire to strengthen the Linderman Act and think it's against our countries 'civil liberties'. Please, civil liberties is just a fairy tale we tell our children about so that they'll shut up and go to sleep. Right after the story about how if they come into the room while mommy and daddy are having their alone time, the boogieman will come out of their closet and decapitate all their Cabbage Patch Dolls. We don't actually want those pesky liberty things around. Then it all gets complicated because you can't round up the people that don't agree with you and toss them into jail with no probable cause.
"It's like the tales my grandfather Heinrich Himmler Prescott used to tell me about good ole Germany. See, back in his time they had these dangerous people who ran around owning stores, practicing their own religion and thinking they had rights just like God-Fearing Christians. But the Germans knew what was up. They were brave enough to stand up against these vicious creatures and register them, brand them, and then put them into work camps where they…oh, I don't know, probably painted puppies and rainbows and whatever else their black little hearts could manage. ROY G. BIV is a liar. Indigo is just another name for violet! I want my money back on that box of Crayolas, Roy! And what kind of last name is Biv anyway? Sounds Communist.
"Anyway, back in Germany, things were running pretty smooth. And they got rid of those evil people and lived happily ever after. Wait, what was that Jim? Oh, the Nazis were actually the fascist government that told the German people that the Jewish people were dangerous and evil plotters who were out to destroy their country? And so they rounded up people and murdered them? Really? That doesn't sound right. I don't see what ovens have to do with anything, unless you're going to be making me a pie. Oh…they what? Now that's just disgusting.
"In any event, I salute you, Sylvia Lancaster, for having the guts to strengthen our laws to protect us from ourselves. Because, God knows, I'm going to be going out and buying all the guns I can find and hiding in my studio till every Evolved is tagged, labeled, and pinned to my butterfly collection boards. Look, I've already got a Cryokinetic and a Telepath! They have such a lovely wingspan.
"That's my whole dollar, because giving only two cents is for pussies."
