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Scene Title Confusion
Synopsis Emotional pain causes a confused Magnes to try to do something that could just make matters worse. Gillian isn't quite far gone enough to let him. But she also comes to realizations on the offer she's been "sleeping on" for a few days now.
Date January 7, 2010

USS George Washington

Having a lot to think about on this particularly late thursday night, Magnes picked up a few things for his trip to Gillian's room. He has a little wicker basket with two large bottles of alcohol native to this particular island, a bunch of sweets, and some general junk food. "It's Magnes." he announces with a knock at her door.

Alone time has been taken a little out of control. While Gillian probably could have gone to the island to help with the clean up, she didn't, remaining in her room. After all, it wasn't like Kazimir had told her to do anything. So it must not be of immediate importance. If things had gone wrong, she's sure someone would have guilted her for staying behind by now— and Magnes isn't the one she'd expect to come to guilt. There's a mutter, and she rolls off the bed, leaving the sketchpad behind, kicking crumpled up pieces of paper as she wades across the room, and opens the door. She starts to say something, then spots the basket. "Are you trying to bribe me?"

"I just need to hang out, and talk. I, well, I spoke to Claire a bit, told her what our relationship was like, and… I don't know." Magnes doesn't seem angry or sad, just kind of down, like it's a very rainy day. "It's like she's not my Claire anymore, she doesn't even seem like the Claire I met before we started dating… she's just so different. I know she's been through a lot, but…"

"Claire might have changed even if she hadn't lost her memory," Gillian says quietly, wading back across the room. There's a lot of crumpled up pieces of paper on the floor. She goes to sit on her bunk, moving aside the sketchpad. It's obvious what she's drawing. There's a face. The details aren't perfect, she's not an amazing artist, but it's still quite good. And it looks very much like Peter. She flips it over so it's out of sight. "Do you not like who she's become?" The question is serious, if a little offhandedly, but then it gets followed up by another, "Do you ever wish you could completely become someone else?"

"I don't really… feel a connection with who she is now. I feel like such an asshole for it, but I think I'm losing my feelings for her. Maybe it's the situation, I mean, maybe she's just focused on the mission and she'll be back to normal when we get home…" Magnes sounds hopeful, or desperate, looking over the pieces of paper as he heads over to her bunk. He doesn't comment on them, he just sits the basket on the floor. "Let's just get drunk and pig out on this stuff."

"Do you think things would be better if you could forget how she was before?" Gillian asks, still being rather serious as she sits up, to give the bottle a look over. Vanguard people probably have pretty good taste in alcohol, considering. She settles back onto the bunk and opens it. "With the way things are now, I wonder what I'd be like if I'd never been through the things I have in the last year and a half. Or how I would be if I didn't remember the people I cared about. But you got it better than me. At least Claire actually did love you."

"I never want to forget the Claire I loved. I almost feel like she's dead, and, if she's not coming back, at least she'll be alive in my memories forever. Abby may have been my first real crush, but Claire was my first love…" Magnes takes his bottle, both being pretty damned big, then pops the cork and starts drinking. He scrunches his face, shaking his head a few times. "This stuff is strong. I hope I don't float away."

There's suddenly a laugh from Gillian and she puts the bottle down on the floor and moves closer to him, wrapping her arms around him rather unexpectedly. She's usually not the one to start the hugs. "You're the last person I thought would say exactly what I needed to hear," she murmurs against his shoulder, eyes closing. There's tears that can be felt through his shirt. She doesn't seem to want to move from this very quickly, either.

Magnes moves a hand up to her cheek, though this isn't a platonic touch, he tries to gently lift her face up to his. "You're one of my best friends, Gillian, I'll always be there for you." He raises a thumb to wipe the tears from under her eye, takes a deep breath as he mauls over his thoughts, and finally just says, "Kiss me, Gillian."

This is a bad idea. But all the loneliness and pain and disgust with herself isn't enough to change that, after a few quiet blinks, Gillian's eyes slide shut and her hands move to grab onto his face and pull him closer. This isn't a friendship kiss. And in her mind, it's not him she's even kissing, but the face she's been sketching over and over while she contemplates what she should do with the offer placed before her. It would have been the same if she'd grabbed a sailor from off the boat, or tried to work her way into Cardinal's bunk— assuming it wasn't already filled.

But as the kiss deepens, and as her hands move down to clutch at her shirt, the tears are there for a different reason, and she pushes him back just enough to speak, without pulling away completely. "I'm not kissing you…" And if this continues, it won't be him that she wants to be with. They have words for this.

Magnes moves two fingers to his lips, eyes fairly wide and alert now. The look he gives her is one that says he wants to keep going, but he lets out a deep sigh to gain a bit of control. "You keep wanting to, and as far as I can tell, I'm single now… I just don't really know what I'm doing."

"I don't want to be with you like this," Gillian says quietly, moving to rest her forehead against his cheek. There's even more tears to get wiped away. She wants to be with him. Or even Gabriel. Or Tavisha. None of which she can have, and all of which are gone to her. "I can show you… but it won't be more than that. If this happens, I don't want to feel worse afterwards. Or hate myself more than I already do." Which is probably the only thing stopping her enough to talk to him.

Magnes sits back and lays his bottle on the floor, kicking his boots off and crossing his legs on the bed. "I don't know, I was all for it a minute ago, but now your second thoughts are becoming my second thoughts. I mean, I don't know, I guess I'd want us to at least like eachother a bit. I've always had at least a little thing for you…"

"I like you. And a year ago that would have been more than enough for me," Gillian says, moving away as she wipes her eyes, stepping across the room and not towards the bed. "But I would just be using you. And it wouldn't go beyond this. It probably wouldn't continue beyond tonight, and if it did… I'd still just be using you to make myself feel better." But it doesn't sound like she thinks it would work. "I guess I have changed… A year ago I'd probably have thrown away any chance of us still being friends just to feel better for an hour or so."

"It lasts that long, huh…" Magnes smiles, simply nodding now and laying back on the bed. He stares at the top bunk, then looks over at her. "It's alright, we don't have to go all the way or anything, but I still wanna stay in here with you. I'm sick of feeling like I lost everything, I'm sick of feeling like there's someone else in Claire's body, and that when I go home, everything in my life will be different. You're something good I have, something that doesn't make me feel like crap, so, just let me stay. And come back over here."

"There really is someone else in his body," Gillian says, still seeming unwilling to even say his name. Or even think it. But she can't help but look down at the crumpled pieces of paper and picture the face she drew upon them before she tried to toss it away. It hasn't worked yet. "And I'll never know if he even cared about me. Really cared about me." At least she knows for sure that Gabriel loved her. Tavisha may not have, but she knows Gabriel did. Even if he stopped.

"You can stay. Though I probably shouldn't get drunk. I'm not sure how many evolved are on the boat, and I can't really control my power when drunk. With you here, we might mistakenly sink it. That'd solve some of our problems, but would kinda fuck the world over."

Magnes raises a hand, reaching out with his ability to wrap what feels like an invisible giant hand grabbing her waist, then tries to pull her over. He's very casual about it, keeping his other hand behind his head as he continues to lay there. "With all the abilities in the world, I'm sure you'll know one day, somehow." Looking up at her, he seems to lack the stress that's been weighing him down for a few days, just seeming fairly playful right now. "You know, there's non-friendship ending ways I can make you feel better for an hour or so. And no one ever said abilities had to be used for completely noble purposes."

And now he has her attention. Gillian turns around as she's pulled, rather surprised by the gesture, and then looks back at him. "You are rather strange sometimes," she says, though she's smiling a little. Dimple in one cheek, brand making the dimple not right in the other. She reaches up and rubs at her eyes. "You're also a little bit of a pervert." And she's being generous by saying little. "Just drink and I'll snack on junk food and drink less."

Magnes releases her when she's next to the bed again, nodding and gesturing his hand to lift his bottle back into his palm. "Sorry, just stressed out and I have an entire puberty to catch up on. I'm sick of just… waiting for the right girl, if she's just gonna get taken away or completely mindscrewed beyond recognition. I should have lost my virginity last year when Isabelle offered, I wouldn't have regretted that, looking back on it."

"I still think you're not seeing things the right way," Gillian says as she grabs her bottle, some of the junk food, and settles at the edge of the bunk. He's taking up too much of it. "What you love may still be there, or may still come back. I loved Tavisha— the person Gabriel became when he got mindwiped." Yeah, she's starting to think she loved Tavisha more… but… "You can either love who she was, or love who she is. There's nothing that says she wouldn't have changed without the brain kaboom. She may still be the person you love, but you may be too stuck on who she was and not who she is."

"I can't just force myself to like who she is now. I mean, it's not even that I don't like her, but, she's just so different. I look at her and I feel like crying because I know she's not the old Claire, and probably won't ever be. Maybe without losing her memories this would have been easier, but even then, I just…" Magnes takes a swig from his bottle, then slides over to wrap an arm around her waist to pull her a bit further on to the bed. "I'd rather let her move on than try to hold on to something that isn't there. I think that's why I wanted to sleep with you, other than the fact that I've wanted to sleep with you for a very long time. If I sleep with you, or anyone else, I know that's the nail in the coffin with me and Claire…"

And that is exactly why Gillian knows she couldn't sleep with him. It wouldn't just be sex. Even what he offered with his ability would probably have been more to him than it would be to her. She sighs a little and then nods, allowing herself to be pulled over. "The only way I'd sleep with you is if you knew it would just be sex. Nothing else. That's what I'd been trying to tell you. But the fact that you have a thing for me… that makes it not just sex. So get some alcohol in you and eat some of the sweets. But that's it."

"I get that you won't sleep with me, and I'm not gonna try and argue your point, since it's probably true, but…" Magnes sits up, grabs the blanket, then goes under it, pulling the blanket on to her lower half. "It's not safe for us to sleep together, emotionally and probably a bunch of other reasons, but, just relax and enjoy this, alright? It's not sex, but…" He shrugs under the blanket, which she can't exactly see.

"You— fuck," Gillian rubs her hands over her face. She wanted to not do this, because she knows it will probably lead to something worse, but he keeps… offering. Things. And she's not blind to see that he won't stop, no matter what she says. Short of kicking him in the face and kicking him out. And she knows once it starts, it won't stop there, either. Because it may not be sex, but it's sex enough. "Stop," she says, moving off the bed and pushing him away. "Either just sit with me and drink, or get out. Please. It may not be sex but it'd be close enough— and not close enough at the same time. You aren't making anything better for me by pushing this."

"Sorry." Magnes says from under the blanket, then pokes his head out from the blanket next to her, looking up. "I'm really confused, Gillian. I feel like I'm cheating, but another part of me feels like I've been broken up with. I feel like the hugest bastard on the freakin' planet." He turns over, though makes sure she has space as he grabs his bottle again. "Am I being a bad person or am I doing something good by letting her go? I just don't know, and I feel like I'm ripping apart inside."

"You're not the only one who's confused," Gillian says, rubbing at her face a bit, before she sits on the floor. Floor is safer, and she picks up one of the crumpled pieces of paper and uncrumples it. "You're not the biggest bastard on the planet. The biggest bastard wouldn't have stopped himself." There's a moment where she looks down at the drawing, running fingers over the scar, before she looks back up at him. "I don't know. It might be what's best for both of you to let her go. If you don't think you can love who she is now… then…" There's a sigh, before she leans her head back against the cold wall of the room. "I think I'm going to ask to get parts of my memory erased. I wonder if I'll become a different person when I do…" It sounds like she hopes she does.

"I want to forget, but I just can't. I can't do that to her, just… erase her. God, I can't believe I almost slept with you… I can't do that, with anyone, not until I have closure with her. Not until I know that she really has changed, and that what we had won't come back. I'm sorry, Gillian, I didn't mean to come here and make your life even more complicated."

At the mention of getting his memories erased, he shakes his head. "I had mine erased, it was apparently my choice, but I intend to get them back. I want the time I'm missing. I don't need the sensitive information, I just want the people back…"

"I want them to take away my hope," Gillian says quietly, voice raspy as she leans for her bottle again. Finally she takes a generous gulp of it, then sets it down. "Cause if I can't have closure, I don't want to have hope, either." She raises her bottle at him. "It's fine. Just drink up. Hopefully they won't need you for much tomorrow, cause you'll have quite a hangover."

"I don't want to give you hope, but…" Magnes shakes his head, apparently opting against whatever he was going to say. "Nevermind. Just, make sure this is absolutely what you wanna do. Suddenly missing memories is a very emotionally painful thing."

"And so is having hope, when it's hopeless," Gillian says softly, closing her eyes and leaning back again. It's going to be a long night. With alcohol and sweets.

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