Magnes' Wonderful Life
Chesterfield Academy, the toughest college on the planet, and the only school specializing in Evolved issues. After The Bomb in 2006, Kazimir Volken took over a large portion of the the country and founded the academy, putting a man simply known as Raith in charge. We're in the Principality of Vanguard, and this is Magnes' Wonderful LIfe.
Lesson 1: Burn It With Healing
- Oh Mah Gawd Y'all
- Teo A Go-Go!
- The Vanguard System
- Magnes. vs Teo
- Tomorrow We Awaken to Yesterday!
- South Side of the Speed Force
The sky sparkles like the shining spandex of Superman's tights, a cloud occasionally passing over the rather large gated academy. Magnes wears his blue uniform with the wolf emblem patch on his chest, looking down at the school rule book. "Alright, let's see here…"
Rule 1: These rule books write themselves as you read them, an Evolved science that's been perfected under the glorious rule of Vanguard. Do not peek ahead, Magnes J. Varlane, it's the number one rule. Do not peek ahead.
As he begins to turn the page, attempting to peek ahead, he suddenly hears footsteps, slamming the book shut to look up. And that's when he sees the most glorious thing he's ever seen in his entire life. Golden locks that sway in the breeze like a Tamaranean basking in the afterglow of battle and celebration. Eyes like big blue almonds, nose perfect, like… it's a very pretty nose. Lips that fill one with the burning desire to pretend their tongue only slipped, but she'd probably punch you if you did it. "Ah do declare, you were about to turn the page, weren't you?"
"I, uh, yeah, sorry, it won't happen again." Who was this woman? With the heavenly accent from a far away land he could only imagine in his wildest dreams. A gaze that could almost stop his heart simply because it wouldn't want to offend her beautiful ears with such an ugly and erratic noise. "My name's Magnes J. Varlane."
"Ah'm Abigail Beauchamp, you can call me Abby. Ah'm currently learnin' to use mah healin' ability ta help anyone who needs it. It gets kindah hard what with the ninjas and assassins, rival govarnments, and the occasional mad scientist tryin' ta kidnap me and all." she says with such a radiant bashfulness, Magnes could have sworn that the sun itself briefly heated a few degrees in her honor, just as the wind constantly blew her every lock of hair into its place.
"I'm a gravity manipulator, I was sent a mysterious letter that said I was accepted into the school. I'm not sure what I'll be doing here, I'm not even really sure what an Evolved school is." Oh dear god, she has hips, womanly curvacious hips! "Uhhh… can I walk you to class?"
"That's okay, ah've gotta catch up with mah group, secret healer meeting. I think King Volken sent a change of policy to the Dean." Her every word, he's hanging on her every word!
"Oh, uh, alright, I'll see you later, Abby!" He waves, heart fluttering with a million beats per second, floating dreamily into the door of the school as he loses sight of the most beautiful thing that ever burned into his retinas.
VROOM VROOM VROOM! Teo burns out down the hallway, on a modified version of the only motorcycle ever created by Italy, the Vespa. But this wasn't just any Vespa, this was a Vespa Chopper. The front of a Harley Davidson, the middle of a Vespa, and the back of that one motorcycle from Akira! Students jump out of the way just as Magnes is entering and the modified Vespa, known only as the Italion Stallion, sped up.
(Teo only speaks in Italic)
"Hey douchebag! You're Magnes J. Varlane!" he yells shirtlessly from the bike, only wearing a black tie and leather pants, with Italian leather shoes. "I'm the new teacher, you're late for class, and there are no free rides in Teo's house! Unless it's every woman you've ever loved!" He suddenly punched Magnes directly in the face, fist full of douchebaggery and Italian oil, sending him flying back out through the doors.
A few minutes passed, and as he headed to Teo's class, the halls once more Italian free, he checked the rule book. There had to be rules against hitting students!
Rule 2: So you've been punched in the face by Teo. You were late, King Volken doesn't suffer the weak in his school! Raith has strict policies in place to make sure of this. Only the strongest survive, Magnes J. Varlane, and you are not the strongest! tl;dr: Don't be a pussy.
He finally makes it to class, taking a seat next to Sable, his best friend, silken thighs, and they do it sometimes. A lot. They do it a lot. A whole lot. "Hey, Sable. He got punched in the face by the teacher."
"Fuck that guy, man. He don't know shit. And I can't believe that letter said you could bring one friend." Sable was a bit short, in every way. Her hair, her tolerance of bullshit, her silken legs which lead up to her thighs… She had eyes as wise as a wolf, a smile that could charm the pants off a nun… (Do nuns wear pants under their nun dresses? Wikipedia later for possible revision). In short, she is the perfect woman, one of them.
But they had to quickly quiet down, for Teo was stepping up to his desk, writing things on his chalk board. Italian Style 101. "Hello hello hello, kids! My name's Teo, I'm the new teacher in town. I don't wear a shirt, I just wear a tie, it's Italian. Now, I'm gonna teach you all about It-ta-lian style." he says as he strikes a pose with outstretched arms, then claps his hands together once with a raised eyebrow. The douchebaggery radiating off of the situation was just enough to clean out every vagina in the room.
"The first thing you need to know about Italian Style, is that it's necessary if you plan to survive in King Volken's army without an ability. Italian Style is a way of life!" He stomps his boot on to the table, arms extending into another pose with his palms upturned, head facing the ceiling with his eyes closed as he basked in the radiance of his Italian essence. "If they shoot at you, kick a table into the air!" He jumps back, then slams a foot into the desk, forcing it up into a perpetually spinning motion. "You kick it at the right angle, the Italian Axis, and it gets stuck there for as long as you want, deflecting bullets while you strike a pose. But not just any pose, you toss the nearest object into your enemy's throat, like so!" Striking his pose, he throws the chalk across the room, slamming Magnes right in the throat with it.
Choking after the impact of the chalk, Teo yells at the gravity manipulator, "Detention!"
"B-but…" Coughing, both on the smell of flowery fresh vaginas surrounding him, due to Teo's douchebaggery cleaning them out, and from the chalk. "This is college, we don't hav—"
"Detention, now!"
With that, Magnes gave Sable one last look, then stood up, grabbing his backpack, heading out of class, looking down into his rule book.
Rule 3: Italian Style, the most widely accepted form of hand to hand combat in the Principality of Vanguard. Created by Teo, who discovered the Italian Scrolls during the liberation of Italy. Do not question Italian Style, you will suffer a fate most Sicilian.
"My report!" is the first thing Magnes says on his second day of school as Raith, the dean, rolls through the halls on his office chair. "Do you have any idea how long I had to write on the revised history of Italy?!"
The office chair turns, instantly stopping in the middle of the hall as an older man turns to him, arms crossed, faced scrunched. Each hair on his face plucked from a thousand of the grizzliest bears, only a peppering of white due to scaring a man so badly in combat, the fear turned Raith's hair white. He only wears a wool trenchcoat (the wool shaved from an Australian devil goat), and a plain pair of denim pants. "Mister Varlane I presume. You cannot blame others for your problems. I bumped into you, but it was your responsibility to dodge. If you're going to survive in this school, then you need to know that there are no mistakes."
Rule 4: Raith, the Dean. Former member of Kazimir's special ops. Not much is known about him, but some say his mother was a pirate who fell in love with a ninja, making him half pirate, half ninja. He's responsible for the Vanguard assault on Israel, and once escaped from Butcher Bay.
"Move along, boy, you're late for homeroom." the Dean sternly says as his chair begins to move backwards.
"Wait, this is college, we don't have home—" And then the bell rings, and students begin rushing down the hall, dragging Magnes along until suddenly, they're in home room.
It's your average school room, with plenty of windows and desks, certainly not looking like something you'd see in a college. They're all sitting at desks, about twenty students in the room. Is my inner monologue working? Good. And then she came in, black leather hugging her hips, high heeled boots, and a long black trenchcoat. Her long dark brunette locks swayed from side to side as my eyes followed each strand of erotically swaying hair, chalk darting across the board to read Ms. Sawyer. "Hello, students~ My name is Veronica Sawyer~" she said in a most sensuous of tones, my eyes locked on her every tongue movement.
I couldn't sit down any longer, feeling a sudden urge to stand and yell, "Please teach me!" before the class began to collectively laugh, and I sat back down to end my inner monologue.
"Alright, students~ It's time for role call~" But before role could be properly called, the sound of an Italian stallion could be heard marching down the halls, kicking the door open. "Magnes J. Varlane! It's time, me and you. I challenge you to Italian boxing! This thing between us can't go on any longer, I can't let you dishonor Italy with your behavior!"
"I, uh, what? Aren't you the teacher from yesterday?" he asks in confusion, to which Teo replies with leaping across the room and splitting Magnes' desk in half with a perfectly timed Italian Hammer Stomp. "Magnes J. Varlane! I heard about the report, you won't be handing it into me, will you? That's two strikes on your record, Italians don't believe in three, it's not even in our numerical system. Me and you, tonight."
"Excuse me, Sir? You're interrupting my class~" Ms. Sawyer walks from behind her desk, heading over to Teo and placing a hand on his chest. "I'm going to need you to~~~" she inhales, causing the entire male population of the room, and Sable, to do so as well. "~~~Take, it, out, side~" she exhales, and the collective students holding their breath exhale with her.
Rule 5: Jesus, God, Veronica Sawyer.
"Teo doesn't need this. He has British women to steal from unsuspecting productive citizens." And with that, the Italian Stallion leaves the room… but now before bursting back in to point at Magnes. "And don't forget, it's still on!"
"My desk…" Magnes sits back in his chair, then pulls his rule book out to take another look at it. "Why is there home room in college? This… makes no sense. And why is he speaking in the third person now?"
Rule 6: What were you saying? Oh, college, home room. It's a part of the Vanguard system. They believe that all aspects of school must stay within the education system, and be combined once you reach college level. With a high school atmosphere, you'll build tighter bonds, so says our glorious Vanguard psychotherapists.
With a boxing stadium set up in the gym of the school, every member of the faculty along with the students sit in the stands, watching as Teo enters the ring to Eye of the Tiger, bouncing up and down, punching his gloves together. Teo's chest glistens an evil sheen, the light reflection of which cause women to begin committing adultry immediately. Magnes comes out to the 1960s Spider-Man theme, climbing into the ring, just generally looking confused. "Is this really legal?" he asks no one in particular, the ref, gym teacher Francois, steps into the ring. "Pardon moi, I was in zee restroom. It will be your referee. The team of healers will be ring side, led by Abigail Beauchamp." he motions to the women, all wearing white nun uniforms with nurse hats, Abby in the middle of the group with her hands pressed togehter in prayer, smiling confidently.
"Zee rules are, how you say, simple. No hitting below zee belt, no kicking, and the round is two falls out of three. Zis will be a one round match. Omelette du fromage. Fight!"
"Now wait a minute, can a student really hit a teacher? I mean—" But this is promptly interrupted by Teo's fist entering Magnes' face. "Italian Style!" he exclaims before yet another punch, then another, and another, the sound of Italian stallions echoing through the room with the rapid invoking of his Italian Chi. When he finally lets up, Magnes is wobbling, stumbling, and then Teo is bringing his fist back to launch one last attack. "How dare you bleed on my glorious Italian fist!"
But then, a white blur launches into the ring, and Abigail Beauchamp is standing in front of Magnes, arms spread. "Ah love him! Please don't hurt Magnes. He's secretly been the love of my life, even though I've never wanted to admit it or acknowledge how useful and awesome he is!"
"You're interrupting a battle between men! I won't let you get away with this!" Then, Teo begins to launch the punch again, this time at Abby, and she grabs it with a white glowing hand. His entire arm is covered in the glow, the feeling of healing and orgasms filling his arm. When the glow draws in, his arm is small and hairy, the glove falling to the ring. "You, I, I have a monkey paw! What did you do to me?! My glorious Italian arm!"
"Ah healed you. An' you know what happens when you heal someone who doesn't need it." That's when Magnes speaks up, rubbing his bloody mouth. "They regress in their evolution, becoming more ape-like the stronger they're healed. There's no known cure for being overhealed. This match is over, teacher." he says as he swings Abby around, looking into her endless eyes, like a peek into heaven itself. "You can be my girlfriend now."
All Abby can say to that is, "Ah do believe ahm gettin' the vapors…"
"If your brain wasn't stabilized with gravity, it would be mush right now." says the sultry voice of one Tracy Strauss, wearing her tight nurse uniform with a skirt that flashes panties every time she shifts her legs. She leans forward while Magnes gets an eye full of cleavage, lightly poking his face with a cotton swab covered in alcohol. "Ow!"
"Excuse me, Miss Strauss, but I do believe ya'll are in some very improper attire for a member of the faculty." Abby moves to sit behind the gravity manipulator, placing both hands over his eyes. "Now that's better, he don't need to be seein' all a' that."
Tracy shakes her head, placing a hand on Magnes' thigh, which is promptly slapped away by Abby. "Young, growing boys need to be properly exposed to these things, it's very, very healthy." She runs the tip of her long, incredibly moist tongue over her teeth, then stands up, motioning to the exit. "You can leave now, and Mister Varlane, visit me ~any~ time."
"Come on, Magnes, ah do declare this improper trollop is not healthy in any sense of the word." Abby grabs his wrist, dragging him along and out of the nurse's office.
Meanwhile, in the Principle's office.
"Delilah Trafford." comes from the voice of Raith, the Dean, looking over a file behind his desk. "A genius in genetics, having spliced frog DNA into many test subjects and cured dozens of diseases and disabilities, though all of your work is still in the test phases. I think you'll fit right in here at Chesterfield Academy."
"That's a load o' bollocks! They won't put my work on the shelves because they don't think frog to human splicing is ethical." Delilah, wearing her blue school uniform, with flowing hair as red as a thousand Mary Jane Watsons, thighs as thick as an incredibly tender roast, and breasts overflowing with… breasts, god breasts. "They don't know how hard it is, being an English girl in a world with so few sundresses to choose from anymore, and I think I'm being stalked by an Italian. I'm having a very hard week." She reaches up, twirling a finger around one of her red locks. "I think my hair is getting redder."
"Right, well, you'll report to Miss Sawyer's home room, and remember, dodge."
When home room actually starts, Delilah is introduced by Miss Sawyer, clearing her throat in a very sexy fashion. "Excuse me, students~ I'd like to introduce you to Delilah Trafford, she's a transfer from Munin University, Britain chapter."
Delilah enters with a bounce in her step, the sun appearing to part the clouds and shine through the windows just for her, sunflower designs on the edge of her somehow longer than normal uniform. Stopping in front of the teacher's desk, she bows and begins to speak. "Hello, my name is Delilah Trafford! I'm seventeen years old and I'm very interested in frog biology and gene splicing. I also like to bake pies and collect sundresses, of which there aren't many anymore." That's when a rubberband suddenly fires off from the back of the class, smacking her directly in the middle of her forehead. "Oy! Ya bloody wankah, who the hell do you think you are?"
Magnes is watching intently from his seat, eyes wide as the English girl marches through glass, then grabs a guy by the collar and lifts him up with one arm. "Ya think that's bloody damn well funny, aye?" She suddenly reaches into her uniform, then sticks a green vial into the student's neck, warts beginning to break out all over him before she drops him on to his desk. She turns to the rest of the class, smiling serenely. "I hope you'll accept me, and I want to make friends with all of you very soon! I made a cake that we can all eat during lunch!" to which nearly everyone just kind of looks to eachother, keeping their heads down.
Meanwhile, in the back of the class, one Victor, no last name, runs fingers through his blonde hair, grinning mischiviously as he mutters to himself. "I'll steal you yet, Abigail Beauchamp. Nothing is out the reach of the fastest man alive…"
"My soul is dripping like the rain from a million dead raining ravens in the middle of a midnight storm. I'd say my heart was broken, but my heart was ripped out, stepped on, kicked, punched. Oh, heart, where art thou… dead on a puppy's grave." Eileen says in her gothically dreary voice, her uniform somehow black despite there being a dress code, wearing a hat with a black veil.
"I hope she doesn't always do poetry like this." Magnes whispers over to Sable, who grins while carving something into her desk. "Ain't no thang, boy, she just needs to get laid. Now weren't you tellin' me about your girl troubles?"
Magnes nods, raising a brow at Eileen as he explains. "Well, since the day I tried to make out with Abby in a closet, she said she's not that kind of girl, and I haven't seen her around as much anymore, so I don't really know what to do. She doesn't even look at me, I mean, look at her." he nods over to Abby in her seat, who is very much not looking at him.
Eileen is still reading, and one student has already slashed his wrists, while another has jumped from a window through the thick aura of Eileen's soul crushing bubble of very sexy mysterious gothiness. "And then my zombie lover reached through his grave, and I told him, my only love is death, and I've embraced the sadness of life. Life, sadness, happiness, what does it mean? Happiness, mankind's… lie, oh, man, how you lie to yourself, not realizing that we're all slowly decaying. One day, you'll be my zombie lover, and I'll reject you, because death is the only one worthy, death is the only one man enough, death is…"
"A girl." Magnes points out with a raised finger, which she readily ignores.
But after home room, where is Abby? What is going on?!
"Abigail Beauchamp, my one and only love, ditch that loser Magnes and get with me. He tried to make out with you in a closet." Victor slicks his hair back with gel, straightening his leather jacket. "I know how to treat a lady."
"And ahm a faithful, devoted, and very Christian woman. He may be a little misguided, but ah love him." Abby swoons as she says so, spinning around a few times on her heel before focusing on Victor.
"I will have you, Abigail Beauchamp! I'll show you that I'm what's best for you." He suddenly blurs down the hall, leaving Abby with her thoughts. Surely thoughts of Magnes.
On the other side of the school…
"Boy, you don't need no blondes." says Sable with her legs latched around Magnes' waist in a closet, having an incredibly hot makeout session as she attempts to comfort her best friend with her silky thighs. "Come on, I'll teach you a few things about tongue…"
"T-this is really not a good idea, I mean, I'm taken…" What is he to do! Trapped inbetween those thighs, what man could say no, or deny… is that zipping he hears?
And then, their elaborate, incredibly steamy sex scene begins, (censored in case anyone finds this book again).
……. …….. …… ….. …… her knees ……. …….. ……… .. . ……………. . ….. and then swirled her finger around, jamming it up there pretty roughly. He then …. . ….. … and her …… ….. …… .. ………….. .. ………….. "Don't be usin' no fancy words, boy." ….. . ……. . ……. ……. janiter's mop. "God, that was incredible… I mean, that was wrong, but…"
"Stop gettin' all shy, Boy, I know what I'm doin." Sable smacks his cheek twice, then straightens her pants and heads out of the closet, leaving Magnes to his own devices.
Later in the day, Victor's plans have come to fruition in the lunch room, while everyone partakes in Delilah's delicious cake. "Attention everyone" the slick-haired speedster announces from on top of a table, Abby's table. "Oh mah gawd." is all she has to say from her seat.
"I've come to declare my love for Abigail Beauchamp, with my ultimate offering. I went to the holy land today, and this is something that Magnes would never think of." He holds down an hour glass necklace, dropping it into her lap. "The sand is from there, sand that Jesus walked on." which causes her eyes to go wide, placing it around her neck, then she leaps up and wraps her arms around her. "Oh Victor, I love you. Magnes, it ain't your fault." she says to the gravity manipulator, who currently has cake falling from his mouth with a look of shock. "It's just… he's better for me, so, unfortunately, ah do declare, this is the end."
Lesson 2: The Blooming of Delilahs
I'm not sure how I went from that lunch room, to suddenly being under a naked British woman in her dorm*, and somehow, I don't really care how I ended up in this position. Turning my head around, I notice that she has lots of sundresses, I can't see the ceiling, her hair is in the way, god that hair is red. I think there's a dog banging on the door, I hope it doesn't break in, that would really really kill the mood.
*Walking up to Magnes in the lunch room, Delilah bends over, breasts dangling with impossible physics. "Would you like to come to my dorm and bake a pie with me?"
This might be one of the most amazing moments of my life, except for Sable with the mop stick, but this is definitely up there. I should probably do something, but I can't find an opening in her technique to actually make a move. And why is that clothespin buzzing…? Oh god…
"Noooo!" Magnes springs up in Delilah's bed, looking over at her. "When did I pass out?" he mutters to himself, then lays back down and sighs, glad that right before they started having sex, she turned eighteen.
Sitting in his office, doing chemistry, one Flint Deckard is peering through the walls, across the school, and into Delilah's room. "I won't stand for this! Moral outrage, that monster corrupting that poor, sweet, innocent girl, surely having given her some sort of instruction manual for all of those advanced, and highly debauched techniques. We will not have this at all! Mister Logan, get in here!"
Unlike Deckard and his manly wrinkles, Logan rushes in, wearing an old cheap blue suit, hair blonde, lips pouty and full of cochney evil. "I came as soon as I could, Mistah Deckard. 'e's a right corrupt boy, 'e is." He drops Magnes' file on Deckard's chemistry table, Logan reciting what he's read of it. "Fightin' a teacher, disrespectin' Italy, propositionin' a right propah girl, Sir. And a black light in most of the closet'll tell ya 'e ain't just friends wiv that short 'aired girl."
"Good work, Mister Logan. We will not let one of our prized students be corrupted by this Varlane evil." Mister Deckard stands, straightening his glasses. "Fetch my whiskey, boy, I have plans to write."
Logan nods quickly, shuffling through the door. "I'z on it, Sir!"
Having fetched Deckard's whiskey, John Logan finds himself standing in the middle of a football field, staring up at the night sky. "Deckard just doesn't understand me, 'e doesn't. No one gives me the time of day, or tries to get to know the man I am…" Suddenly music begins to kick up as the school band comes out for late night practice.
Logan jumps up on to a bench and spreads his arms out wide, singing in a snappy showtune as his cochney accent turns into a proper English one, "I am a right English man, I don't play kick the can," as he kicks a can into someone's head. "What they don't understand is that I hate this American land. Fuck these losers up the hosers 'cause I hate Canadians too!"
He's now marching in front of the band as the trumpets kick in, pulling on a white sequin jacket. "These Americans just don't understaaaand, that I'm a right proper English maaan! You call me mad, I say you're barmy! I fucked your dad, no there's no rhyme, I fuck your dad right all the time!" There's a spin and he tosses a baton into the air before catching it, the band suddenly surrounding him so that overhead it seems as if they're forming a British flag.
"I had an army of whooores, but then those damned Americans, fucked it all up with their fat hands!" He's suddenly smacking people on the backs of their hands with his baton, then pokes a particularly pudgy guy in the stomach. "You Americans and your silly insults, call me a fag and I'll say 'why don't you smoke me'?" he asks while grabbing his crotch. "Oh I'm just a right proper, really damned bloody, Ennnng, liiiiiiish, maaaaaaaan!!!"
"Damnit Logan, what the hell are you doing?" asks Deckard as he walks out on the field, the band starting to scatter. Then Logan, his accent once more thick and cochney, starts to shuffle over to his boss again. "I'z just plannin' to spy on Magnes I is, then I had to take a piss and it was right cold out here."
Deckard shakes his head, starting to head back inside. "Whatever, just get in here."
Standing in the large flowery campus of Chesterfield Academy, Delilah in her flowing yellow sundress picks daisies while Magnes, in his school uniform, holds the basket for her. Her hair flows just as her breasts seem to move with incredibly physics, right out of a Gainax production. "So uh, Delilah, what exactly are we going to do with all of these flowers?"
"I'm gonna invent the flower frog! A frog that croaks poison flowers!" She stands enthusiastically, fist tight and determined in front of her chest. "And maybe put a nice pot in the window. Oh, and did you get those treats for Samson?"
"Yeah, sure I—" Explosion!
At least that's what it sounds like as Flint Deckard stands with his arms crossed, his expensive suit flowing violently in the wind while a hunched over Logan stands next to him. And behind them? A large Sentinel robot that says Deckard Mach 1 across the chest plate.
"You've dragged young Delilah down for the last time, Magnes J. Varlane." Deckard dramatically announces, jumping back on to the Sentinel's head, then falls into the cockpit as his voice is now boomed through loud speakers. "You will learn the power of abstinence, and when this is over, you'll both wear the Chesterfield Pledge Rings… forever!"
Magnes' eyes widen, quickly taking the Rule Book. "What the hell is a Chesterfield Pledge Ring?"
Rule 7: The Chesterfield Pledge Ring is a piece of super tech invented by defunct secret agent group "The Company". It was meant to keep Evolved prisoners chaste, and if they were to ever break their enforced vow of chastity, their souls would be pulled into the rings forever. What is done with these rings after is currently unknown.
Delilah already has two large needles of green liquid in them. "Ya bloody wankahs think ya can take us, aye? Well bring it on! Samson!" There's a sudden howl off in the distance as suddenly a massive dog practically the size of a horse runs up behind her, and she jumps into the air just in time to land on his back.
"Wait, so like, we're gonna fight this guy?" Magnes asks rather reluctantly.
"Well why the hell not?" Delilah asks in return.
"Uh, well, it's a robot…"
"What you need is a real man to defend your honor, Italian Style!" comes from a familiar voice on the roof, as suddenly Teo goes flying down in a massive flying kick, his suit jacket and shirt immediately flying off as bulging Italian muscle glisten in the light, even though it's really your mind that matters and anyone dating Teo purely based on what he looks like is a bad person.
The massive Sentinel stumbles as Teo continues to kick, defying the laws of physics.
"Oy, get up there and defend me honor!" Delilah demands, nudging Magnes forward.
"But it's a giant robot!"
"How dare you interrupt this lesson in abstinence. But you Italians wouldn't know anything about purity, with your romantic language and stick boat rides! I, Flint Deckard, will teach you the meaning of chastity!" The Sentinel's hands suddenly reach up to grab Teo's legs, and tentacles with a mechanical chastity belt begin to inch closer and closer to the Italian.
"It's time…" comes from the British man as he stands up straight, sweeping his hand to throw away his cheap suit, revealing an expensive Armani suit under it. "Flint Deckard, your time has come! Unhand my love!" He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a sonic screwdriver, rushing for the Sentinel's ankle as the screwdriver begins to make intense vibrating noises, the ankle unhinging.
"What have you done you British fool!" The Sentinel stumbles again, dropping Teo so that the robot's ankle can rapidly repair itself.
Teo lands next to Logan, shaking his head. "You may love me, but I am in Italian love with Delilah. Perhaps one day, my old school sweet heart, but not now… So, for old time's sake, let's take this guy out! Italian and British style!"
"I knew you wouldn't be ready, but the meeting of our country's will come one day, and our continents will collide with unwavering passion! I'll help you take him out, as a testament to my unrequited love. John Logan!"
"Teo!" the Italian shouts as they both suddenly hold a hand out to lock fingers with the other, jumping into the air as they're suddenly surrounded by a rainbow aura.
They begin to speak in unison, both Delilah and Magnes' jaws quite wide by this point. "//The meeting of Italy and Britain, let the harmony of our lands destroy the blight upon this foreign country! Let these children choose to be abstinent if you will, Italy and Britain, while far superior to this country, will not allow you to take away the freedoms of AMERICA!"
The two explode through the Sentinel, causing Deckard to yell, "NOOOOOOO!" as the two finally finish with, "SEXY EUROPEAN SOUL EXPLOSION!!!" after which all of Chesterfield Academy is graced with a bright technicolor show of rainbow light, the scourge of Flint Deckard finally washed away from the world… for now.
Chesterfield Academy!
With the Sentinel pieces removed and campus under repairs, a week has gone by of everything being relatively back to normal. Today there was an assembly and an announcement was made, but Delilah and Magnes were fashionably late. They enter school together, he with his tie flowing in the wind, her with much Gainax bounce.
"So then this wankah starts talkin' about dissectin' frogs! We've got computer programs for our mad science now, thank ya very much!" Delilah talks his ear off with arms looped around his, and soon Abigail Beauchamp, wearing a school uniform with the radiance of Dianna Agron walking down the halls.
"Y'all are late! Ya ain't heard the latest announcement!" Abby enthuses as she suddenly holds up a flyer. "Michael Cera is visiting the school to make a speech!"
"Michael Cera? Wow!" Delilah enthuses right back.
"Michael Cera's great, but I don't know what he has to do with school." Magnes states with his arms crossed, nodding twice in clear disagreement with such an ill-conceived idea.
"Aw he's just mad 'cause he's basically Michael Cera himself." Delilah nudges him with a sheepish grin while Abby giggles.
"I reckon ya'll are on to somethin', he is basically Michael Cera, ain't he?"
"I am not Michael Cera!" Magnes breaks the grip from Delilah, and she slips the rule book from his pocket. "Oh yeah? Well read this."
Rule 8: Magnes J. Varlane. He's basically just Michael Cera.
Snatching the book back, Magnes storms off, shaking his head. "I'm gonna get to class."
He doesn't get far before there's suddenly a kendo stick poking him in the chest. "Hold it right there Varlane!"
Ouch! "Uh, oh, Hall Monitor Aude…" he says to the woman with a heap of bouncy curls and a soft exterior that somehow contains such inner hardness one imagines that there are extra-dimensional physics involved.
"That's Castalides to you, Varlane! Where's your hall pass?" she asks with another poke.
"We're in college… and why is there a hall monitor anyway?"
"Hall pass!"
He's quickly scrambling around his things, "Uh, let's see, it's right…" Then he just takes off, running down the hall as she makes chase, but as he turns the corner he jumps on to the ceiling, and thankfully she dashes by him.
"That was close."
A few hours pass, and people are beginning to gather in the assembly hall. When Magnes walks by the Dean's office, the door swings open and Raith grabs his arm, yanking him in. "Magnes J. Varlane. I believe I have a confession to make. Michael Cera isn't coming, he was never coming." He walks over to the desk, then takes a seat on top of it. "You see… the plan is to use you. I even have a speech prepared. Wear this Plumtree shirt and no one will know the difference."
"Are you serious?"
"Put on the shirt, Mister Varlane."
"This is stupid, do you honestly think something this insane would work?" he asks with creased brows, looking absolutely confused and outraged.
"I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but I have no choice…" Raith reaches into his suit pocket, then pulls out a Blue Eyes White Dragon card. "You see, this isn't just any Blue Eyes White Dragon… one of the eyes is a slightly different shade of blue. And it can be yours if you put on the shirt, and do exactly as I say."
"A slightly different shade of blue…" Magnes' eyes widen, taking a step back. "Damnit… you're an evil mastermind. Fine, I'll do it."
With everyone gathered in the assembly hall, Magnes walks out in a Plumtree shirt, holding a piece of paper. "Uh, hello, I'm Michael Cera."
"It's him, it's Michael Cera ya'll!" Abby nudges Delilah, both of them sitting in the front row.
"I can't believe Magnes is missing this, he must be really angry."
"Ahem…" Magnes clears his throat, then begins to read. I can't believe this is happening. "I've had a large body of work, from my incredibly relatable dark comedy Youth in Revolt, to my Magnum Opus, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Overcoming my condition of being a human/turtle hybrid has not been an easy journey, but with my fans—"
"Magnes J. Varlane!" comes the voice of Michael Cera in a Plumtree shirt, bursting out of the ceiling to land on stage across from him, pointing dramatically. "I caught wind of your Dean's sinister plans. How dare you impersonate me!"
"B-but, I mean, I didn't have a choice!"
"There's always a choice!"
The audience seems to be confused, all riled up, and Abby's words reflect everyone else's general concerns, "There's two Michael Ceras, ya'll!"
"Oh come on, it's me!" Magnes looks to the audience, then removes his Plumtree shirt to reveal a buttoned up white shirt under it. "See?"
"Well I'll be." Abby adds in her Southern drawl.
Delilah crosses her arms in a huff, adding, "If you were gonna impersonate Michael Cera, you coulda told us!"
Michael Cera seems to be going over for a fight, but immediately tapes a cease and desist notice on to Magnes' shirt. "You are no longer allowed to use any of my patented Michael Cera quirks in an open audience or for profit. This includes stumbling over your words, being quirky and shy around pretty girls, and somehow coming off as badass at unexpected moments."
"I can't believe this…" Magnes removes the notice and begins to read it, while Michael Cera walks into the audience, beginning to sign autographs. "I am nothing like Michael Cera!"
Michael Cera shakes his head as he signs Delilah's autograph, smirking. "My lawyers stay on top of these things. He's basically me."
"Delilah, my skates!" Magnes exclaims as he digs under the bed, frantically throwing clothes as he digs through the mess of things.
Delilah walks in while stirring a large bubbling pot, wearing an apron that says 'Kiss the Frog'. "I ain't the bloody keeper of the skates! Get a car or a bike like a normal person, or, fly!" She rolls her eyes and walks back down the hall with her pot. "I have to finish my dart frog poison project by tomorrow, I can't help you."
After being late, a day passes, and once again we find ourselves in the morning.
"Delilah, my ska—" A pair of red skates are suddenly thrown on to his lap while he sits on the foot of the bed, Delilah wearing a shirt styled like a short lab coat, a plaid yellow skirt from her uniform, big goggles, and a large metallic tank strapped to her back with a garden hose in one hand. The Gainax bounce in this shirt has risen by 40%. "I bought some bloody skates, so wear 'em and let's go!"
Elsewhere, treachery is afoot!
The Palace of Westminster, inside of Big Ben.
It's a very fancy place, with British flags decorating every corner, and a Spice Girl in every lap. The greatest British minds of all time sit at a black marble round table, among them are David Tennant, Paul McCartney, Tom Baker, David Bowie, John Barrowman, Billie Piper, Catherine Tate, Freema Agyeman, Helena Bonham Carter, Anthony Hopkins, and Baroness Susan Adele Greenfield!
"John Logan is going too far! No Brit leaves the country without us bein' on top of it!" says Catherine as she slams a fist to the table.
"He's trying to slide his filthy hands into my granddaughter and her boyfriend's relationship. This could spark a war between America and Britain." Hopkins calmly states, pulling a shotgun from under the table. "I say we shoot him now."
"Who infested Westminster with Spice Girl clones?" is all Freema asks, lightly nudging one away from her.
David Tennant stands and walks a few feet from the table, and behind him the sounds of a TARDIS can be heard phasing into existence. He steps away from it and motions to the other David. "Bowie, will you do the honors?"
David Bowie nods, then stands and pushes the TARDIS doors open, clearing his throat. "Tennant and I have been working on a project to destroy John Logan, so we can keep the Council of British People out of any direct involvement with the situation. We have to tread lightly around the Vanguard. Ladies and Gentlemen…"
Out from the TARDIS steps a tall man in a fancy black suit, nearly half of the right side of his face now robotic. "My name is Flint Deckard, I have been enhanced. With my morality chip, I want nothing more than to stop John Logan."
People begin leaning over and whispering to eachother, then suddenly they're all looking to Baroness Greenfield. She stands, clearing her throat, then nods. "I approve, ship him to Chesterfield Academy right away. Now let's have tea, scones, and Cheerios to celebrate."
Chesterfield Academy
John Logan enters the biology lab with a young boy, who basically looks a lot like Link from Zelda, except with a black school uniform with a yellow trim and yellow shirt under the jacket. "This is Kendall, he's new to the school, another genius transfer. Enjoy!" Leaning down, he whispers, "Don't forget your mission."
Kendall immediately walks over to Delilah as she sprays a cactus with her hose of green liquid, barely paying attention to anything outside of her goggles. The other students are also working on projects, and Kendall slides up next to her. "Hi, I'm Kendall. I know a lot about science, need help?"
"Nope!" Delilah just keeps spraying, happily humming some sort of tune.
"But I have… an Australian Teeth Frog, the frog that bites." He reaches into his pocket and holds out a tiny frog that seems to smile wide with a full set of teeth.
"An… Australian Teeth Frog?!" Delilah's eyes widen and she stops spraying to reach over and grab it. "He's so adorable! I'll have to make more immediately! You and me, Mister Kendall, we're gonna go far!" After which she immediately runs out of the lab.
"Phase one complete…" Kendall mutters to himself, but not before the sound of someone kicking a door open is heard.
Delilah's gone, but Sable enters from a closet, wearing her black uniform with the yellow trim, collars popped and plaid yellow skirt swaying with every step. She pushes people and desks away, heading right over to Kendall, raising a hand to snap her fingers.
People stop what they're doing, everyone pushing desks to the walls, then they step behind her, some of them with instruments, all focused on Kendall.
"I ain't gonna let you steal my friend's fine ass redhead." Instruments begin to pick up, and Sable starts to sing, partially talking as she begins the slow buildup for the actual song, pushing Kendall into the edge of his desk. "Why don't cha get a real woman? One with triple jointed fingers," She holds her hand up, crackling all of her fingers in weird ways. "A luxurious bod." crouching, she slides her hands down the sides of said bod, then slides them back up as she stands again. "And a tongue, well, that's what really killed Jason Todd."
Then the band picks up, and the song begins, one of her milky thighs slamming on to the edge of the desk. "You don't need no huge tits," she squeezes her chest. "You don't need a girl with refined tastes." she makes a disgusted face at that. "What you need, is these fine ass thighs!" She grabs his head and pushes his face into the side of her thigh.
Kendall's eyes widen as he steps back, stumbling into another desk as she seems to predatorily stalk him. "But I need a girl who cooks," he retorts, "And a girl who reads books!" he nervously stammers, "Why do I need a girl with fine ass thighs?"
She grabs the scruff of his jacket, then slams him into the wall, licking her lips as if she's gonna eat him right up. "A boy like you who can't take charge?" she pulls him away and practically tosses him into one of the chairs, strutting proudly before licking a finger and running it down her buttons. "A boy who I bet can't fix cars?" She reaches down and grabs him by the collar again, then starts dragging him across the room while he unsteadily tries to keep up and not fall. "Why do you need, these fine ass thighs?"
"'Cause I'm gonna make you a man!" Sable says hungrily, the closet door swinging open. And Kendall adds with a deer in the headlights look. "Y-you're gonna make me a man?"
Sable grins, heading into the closet. "That's right boy. This fine assed, silky thighed, pretty eyed woman, is going… to make you a man." Then she pulls him into the closet, and slams the door.
On the way to create more frogs, Teo pulls Delilah into Italian class, pushing her against the desk. "This burning passion between the two of us, this Italian passion… it can no longer be controlled! The flames of my lust consume me!" He rips the top of his suit off, revealing glistening muscles, which has the incredibly unfair effect of instantly seducing Delilah. She begins to toss her clothes off, and Magnes walks in just in time to be horrified.
"What the hell!"
"It's not what it looks like." Delilah says as she nervously shifts her eyes from side to side.
"He's on top of you. You're having sex. You're holding the Italian sausage that's sticking out of his butt!" Magnes describes in outrage.
"So… maybe it's exactly what it looks like." Delilah states in her incredibly compromised position.
"Stop having sex with her when we're talking!"
"That is not the Italian way." Teo states as he suddenly lights a cigar on the side of the desk and sticks it into his mouth.
"That's it, I challenge you to a motorcycle race!" Magnes shouts, pointing dramatically.
"Aaaaaccepted!" Teo lets out a satisfied sigh, then stands up and grabs his pants. "Three PM, Italy's Curve."
Magnes' fists are balled, then he nods twice. "Italy's Curve."
Two Years Ago
"Commander Volken, Italy's forces will overwhelm us at this rate!" says the tactician at Kazimir's side, the older man staring down over the city from his massive zeppelin. "Fear not, young one. It would seem that Italy's power is such that I have to take matters into my own hands." The man straightens his black suit and grabs his wolf cane, kicking the window open. "Tell our forces to pull back, today the ceasefire begins."
He leaps down from the zeppelin, right into the heart of a city. "Nobody likes Bologna." he mutters to himself, slamming a fist into the middle of a busy street, eyes closed. "Wolf Cane Fist!" he exclaims as the ground begins to crack into dozens of sections, and every section of Bologna goes flying into the air, leaving nothing but dirt where the city once stood.
Meanwhile, ten miles from Chesterfield Academy, one of those sections falls into a large grassy plane, leaving an uneven and twisted Italian highway… now known as Italy's Curve.
Present Day
3 PM
Everyone's gathering around the top of the spiral highway, Italy's Curve. A good portion of the students and faculty discussing and placing bets. Yet another man in a suit steps out to stand at the beginning slant of the highway, clearing his throat. "My name is Richard Cardinal. My ability is turning into a shadow. I'll be bringing a camera and following the entire race. All bets can be left with the cheerleaders.
A group of five cheerleaders in black and yellow uniforms step up to the front of the crowd, Claire Bennet in the lead. "1234, Teo is a sexy whore!" Claire jumps into the air and flips back into two of the girls holding their hands out to elevate her. "5678, Magnes buys erotic cakes!"
Magnes rolls up to the slant in his red inline skates, while Teo rides up on his chopper, reving the engine a few times and not even bothering with a shirt this time. "You're goin' down, Italian style!"
Delilah hasn't shown up yet, but it seems the race is going to go as planned. Cardinal raises his hands. "Ready… steady… go!" Hands are lowered, and the chopper's going down the hill right along with Magnes on his skates.
"I hope you don't think you can beat the speed of an Italian chopper with mere skates!" He makes sharp turns on the winding curves, while Magnes jumps up to grind on the rails, allowing his momentum to take him down even faster.
"I don't need a motor, I have science on my side!" Magnes retorts, and Teo starts ramming into the side of the rail in an attempt to knock him off.
That's when a sudden rumbling is heard over the side of the road, and up comes size scantily clad women pulling a golden chariot, landing on the road behind Teo and Magnes. It's Logan who's driving, the women all having straps and rope around their faces and neck for him to pull and control. "Teo! I knew that by putting a strain on Magnes' relationship, you'd then sleep with Delilah, thus giving you a taste for the British once again! And now that we're in this race you'll never escape my Chariot of Slags!"
"Is this guy insane?" Magnes asks, ducking when Logan lashes a whip out at him. "How are we supposed to finish this race fairly with him on our back?"
"He just can't get enough of my Italian love, but it looks like we'll just have to take care of this." Teo jumps above the motorcycle and it breaks apart into three pieces, the wheels rolling next to eachother and opening so that Teo can land with his feet in them, and the middle section covers his chest and back like armor, a large rocket opening in the back and roaring with explosiveness! "This is the true power of the Italians!"
"True power indeed, but can you block my slag missile?!" Logan steps on a switch, and suddenly a flesh colored missile fires out of the side of his chariot, with a pink nipple on the front.
Teo only narrowly jumps into the air, dodging so he can ride on the wall while Magnes continues to grind the rail.
"He has missiles! What are we supposed to do against missile?!" Magnes looks over the side of the spiral, and they still have many miles to go down the mountain.
But then there's another explosive sound, and this time it's Cyborg Deckard that appears, landing in front of all three. "I'm here to stop Logan, then I'll be out of your hair." He begins dashing for the chariot as Magnes and Teo breeze right by him. Now it's just Deckard and Logan.
Target locked. The slag mounts are innocent, possibly forced against their will. The readout on Deckard's sensors plots out a perfect course of action. "It's tea time." Deckard leaps into the air and aims his robotic hand out, the palm opening and spraying a hose of whiskey down at the chariot, completely avoiding the slags. When he lands on the chariot he sweeps a swift chop and frees the slags, all of them running free and leaving Logan to back away.
"Deckard, how dare you cover me in your American filth! That I pretended to be your underling for so long, to get closer to my beloved Teo… You'll die!" He draws his sonic screwdriver and charges the cyborg, but Deckard has something else in mind!
Raising a lighter, Deckard shakes his head. "Get off my lawn."
The lighter drops, and suddenly the chariot explodes, sending a flaming cloud up the side of the mountain. The audience gasps, and Cardinal continues to follow the action between Magnes and Teo.
"Damnit Teo, you didn't say your motorcycle could turn into skates!" Magnes complains as he finally begins to catch up to the Italian.
"Telling you all of my tricks is not the Italian way!" Teo begins to punch Magnes in the face every time he gets close. "//Delilah will never take you back, she's had prime Italian sausage! What do you have? Kobe beef? Don't make me laugh! As an Italian, I do all of my laughing in the form of sexy grins and eyebrow raises." He then proceeds to sexily grin and eyebrow raise, punching Magnes in the face again.
"What the hell! This is a race, not a boxing match! You think you can just come into my country and start spreading your Italian stuff? I'll show you the true power of the American education system!" Magnes starts to stare, and the wheels in his mind begin to spend with the power of a thousand derps. Calculations are made, and he spin leaps sideways over Teo's head, landing and skating on the side of the mountain.
"This is Italian soil you moron! It's a massive chunk of Italy. My Italian powers have risen two-hundred percent!" Teo jumps up, then slams his feet down against the road, cracking it so insanely hard that the rocks burst from under it, and it merges with very next layer of the spiral while massive rocks roll over the rails.
"I won't let that stop me! I'm the Gravity King! And this is America!" Magnes makes a massive leap into the air above Teo, then drops down and collides with the road, doing the same thing Teo did, only this time the roads just continue to collapse one after one, until Italy's Curve is nothing more than a mountain without a spiral, and Magnes stands with one knee bent in front of the finish line. "I win!"
Cardinal materializes, and a chopper seems to be bringing the others down while Teo removes his motorcycle parts. "Excuse me." Cardinal speaks up, clearing his throat. "I wouldn't call sending potentially toxic debris into the sky that'll cover miles of area for weeks, making it nearly impossible for anyone to breathe, winning. Not to mention you've destroyed a historical landmark and you clearly cheated by destroying the entire track. And Teo is currently having sex with Delilah against that wall over there."
Magnes turns around, staring, eyes wide. "B-but… I won!"
"Yes." Cardinal seems to agree, crossing his arms. "You've won thousands of dollars in potential lawsuits. Enjoy."
The cops roll up to the scene, taking the cuffs out and putting Magnes' hands behind his back. "Come with us young man. You're going to detention."
Lesson 3: Electric Boogaloo
- Notes 1
- Detention
- The Lipstick Mafia Anthology Part 1
- The Lipstick Mafia Anthology Part 2
- Placeholder
- Placeholder
- Placeholder
- Placeholder
(The following are notes scribbled inbetween the chapters)
The pros and cons of including Peter Petrelli.
Pro: Peter is vital, even in the 9th Wonders story.
Con: Peter sucks, nobody likes Peter.
Pro: Peter is the brother is Nathan Petrelli.
Con: Nathan Petrelli isn't in this story either.
Pro:
Con: Fuck Peter.
Magnes and Sable have lots of sex, tons of it. Sable taught Magnes everything he knows, they even had a threesome once! Yeah… Sable, Magnes, and Quinn, they all totally did it. Quinn was in the story, she showed up in Sable's musical number, but I forgot to mention her by name, I think.
Delilah's boobs, I'd love to get my hands on those again…
I bet Abby is like a vicious animal in bed.
And Eileen flexes like some sort of crab walking spider.
Since I learned to French kiss from Tracy Strauss, and used those techniques on Claire, does that mean Claire kisses like Tracy Strauss now?
Peter really sucks, I don't want him in the story.
Apple pie. Pecan pie.
It would be distasteful to put Isabelle into the story.
(There is a line drawn across the page that says: "Magnes' penis, age 22")
Eileen never gave me my dog.
Twenty floors below ground level, below the laboratories, the Evolved Artifact Vault, and below even the little mini mall that only official members of the Vanguard government can visit, is Detention.
Pulls down the halls by two men in police uniforms, Magnes takes in the solid metallic walls, and iron classroom doors with tiny square windows in the top. People yell things as he passes by. "Freedom isn't free!" "Eat flan!" "Give me Teo or give me death!" Meanwhile they're followed by glowing circular cameras, like large glowing blue eyes through glass.
"Uh, where exactly are we going?" Magnes asks, and they answer by simply tossing him into a tiny room with another of those moving cameras above a chalkboard, no windows, and one table with a single chair. There is also a pecan pie on the table.
Before the man closes the door he says, "You're going to stay there for processing, then you may join a class. That pie is yours." The door is slammed and he's left to his own devices.
Magnes stares at the cake after briefly looking around, staring up at the single light in the ceiling. "So, pie…" He stares down at the pie, then grabs the metallic fork and leans down to stick his fork in. But before the fork can reach the pie, he hears, "Mmm." behind him in a deep, slightly creepy tone.
He looks back, but all he sees is the empty chalkboard, so he goes back to the pie to dig in again. "Mmm." the voice repeats, and he suddenly stands and turns around to stare hard at the board. "Who's there?"
The camera on the wall stretches down with a long white prehensile neck, staring directly into Magnes' eyes with its glowing hemisphere. "I am SYLAR, the latest in security technology. I was created by the Vanguard as the last line of defense between us and them." The robotic camera moves to the side, looking behind the gravity manipulator, speaking in a very deadpan manner. "Is that pie?"
"Uh, yes, it is…" Magnes reaches back and grabs the pie, then begins to step slowly away from the camera. "You can go back up there now."
"I would like some pie, Magnes J. Varlane." It slowly slinks toward him like some sort of elevated snake, or a deadly Pixar lamp. "I am wringing my invisible hands in delight, Magnes J. Varlane…"
"Uhh…" Magnes looks from left to right, then the door. "Flying Gravity Kick!" he shouts, and jumps into the air to kick the door down and run down the hall. But those cameras line the entire thing, under every door, monotone voice coming from all directions.
"Do not run, Magnes J. Varlane, I simply want a piece of pie." As he gets deeper into the hall, his foot bumps into something. Looking down, it's the two guards completely passed out. "What is…"
"MmmmMMMMmmmm…"
Magnes jumps over the bodies and continues to run with the pie, turning a hall as some people behind the doors begin to yell and scream in agony.
"That was just a joke, come back and sit down, I would like your pie. Let us repair a clock together, it will be fun."
Magnes continues running until there's only one door left, half cracked. When he opens it there are nothing but white bloody tentacles attempting to escape, and he rams against the door as hard as possible, trying to keep them inside. "I just what your pieeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEE!" he attempts to reassure as his voice briefly distorts with glee, and quickly returns to its monotone.
"I thought we were friends, Magnes J. Varlane. Eating pie… having fun… jumping rope… with a guuuuUUUUFUUUUUNNNN!"
Magnes finally gives up on the door and goes running as the robotic tentacles explode from the door after him. "I've gotta think, uhh, it's a robot, so… there has to be a central control room…"
"There are no controls. I am SYLAR, I am the ultimate in security systems. I also think you have a beautiful face, please come back to the room so that I can admire your beautiful face."
He finally makes it back to one of the earlier doors, kicking it wide open after yelling, "Stand back!" When the door swings open it's one of the cheerleaders, reaching out and wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Teo, I need Teo, take me to him nooooowww!" the girl demands, but it's too late, those tentacles quickly grab and pull her back into their mass. There's a yell, but soon the tentacles recede and reveal the schoolgirl standing there with her eyes closed. "Yes…" she speaks in dual mechanical tones, and opens her eyes to reveal two blue glowing spheres. "I have a body. I am SYLAR, and we will consume pie together. Have I told you that you smell pleasant today? We should hug…"
"I, uh, what did you do?" Magnes slowly backs away, but soon SYLAR in his new cheerleader body goes tumbling forward after an electric shock.
"He's right ya know, you don't smell so bad." says the blonde known as Elle in all of her schoolgirl uniform glory, holding up a smoking finger like a gun.
"SYLAR's only weakness is an overload of exposition." says the gothy tone of Eileen, wearing her black and yellow gothic lolita version of the school uniform. "Please, step aside, Varlane." She dramatically reaches behind her and pulls out a black book diary, beginning to read. "Dear Diary, today was very unpleasant. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and I thought to myself, 'What is happiness but the unhappiness of the darkness, the washing away of the light?'. Why is the darkness unpleasant? What has the darkness done to deserve its reputation as the side of evil? Does darkness not protect? Does darkness not comfort? I am a friend to the darkness, enemy of the light, me and the darkness are like this," she holds up a hand and crosses her index and middle finger. "I am Eileen."
SYLAR suddenly holds his cheerleader head, falling to his knees. "NooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooOO! ExpositioooooooOOOOOOOOOONNN!" The cameras begin to explode all over the halls, and mechanical parts fall from the girls nose and as she slips into unconsciousness. There is no longer a sign of SYLAR.
"So, uh…" Magnes awkwardly rubs the back of his neck and stares at the blonde, already familiar with Eileen. "Who are you?"
"The name's Elle, tiger." Elle blows a kiss and winks with a slight head tilt. "Welcome to detention."
Sitting behind he desk in the rather spacious and high-tech class with no windows, the redheaded teacher in a tight form-fitting black suit smokes pot on the end of a long black elegant filter. Behind her on the chalkboard is a cursively written 'Bella' in large letters. "Role call, and then if anyone would like to speak with me about anything, I'll be right here."
There's a red blur around the room before the spikey-haired speedster sits back in her chair, feet propped up on the desk. "Daphne, meep meep."
Strutting into detention next is Sable, hand on her hip and guitar on her back, wearing the black and yellow boy's uniform instead of the skirt. "Sable, bad motherfucker." she announces, and sits her guitar on the desk while taking her seat.
"Uh, Sable? Why are you here?" Magnes asks, then quickly raises his hand. "Oh, uh, Magnes, present."
"'Cause I'm fuckin' Sable." she rudely spits, then stares forward to focus on the teacher.
Next up is Elle, sitting prim and proper with one leg crossed, Farrah Fawcett-like hair in pristine condition as it practically shines in the artificial light. "And I'm Elle. Together we're…"
They all shout in unison, "The Lipstick Mafia!"
"Uh…" Magnes scratches the back of his head in confusion, staring at them all. "So what are you all in for?"
"I tried to pull the greatest heist of my entire life." Daphne starts, and suddenly everything faaaaaaades!
We find ourselves on a rooftop, and suddenly everything is animated by Gainax. Daphne wears an all red leather biker outfit and a long flowing yellow scarf. She looks down at her watch, and a hologram showing the exterior of a facility rises. She uses her other hand to poke around and rotate the map. "The Eye of Harmony's inside, with that I'll take what I need, no sweat!"
She blurs from where she stands and is instantly inside of an extremely high tech lab facility, which seems heavily populated by what appear to be ninja robots. Down the long corridor that looks more like a museum of science than a lab, the ninja robots drop down from the ceiling wearing all black robes with red souless eyes, their mechanical joints making sounds as they try to keep up with her. "Sorry, didn't bring my pajamas for the sleep over!" she looks back and winks, then appears in front of a large vaulted door with a large black and yellow warning over the front. "Warning: Physics May Vary."
"Whatever!" Daphne's entire body begins to vibrate and she walks through the solid door and into a plain white room. The only thing in the middle are two constantly floating and rotating rings, orbiting around a hole of complete darkness and distorted light. "The Eye of Harmony… Alright, this might be a little tricky, but let's do it!"
She begins to vibrate again, but this time he body becomes nothing but pure light, and she bursts into the hole of darkness, flashing out of existence.
At least to anyone who may have been watching.
We next find her running through the fabric of time and space! Literally bouncing from the Tower of Pisa before it was even leaning as events flow by her in quickly moving threads. "Take that, Hitler!" she says as she punches him in the face and continues running through the bright light and the unweaving fabric. But then she finds it, her destination!
She stands in an area of pure darkness as bright glowing mostly humanoid giants that walk around at what can only be called billions of feet barely register her existence. They just walk and hand eachother massive balls of bright burning energy, occasionally reaching into the darkness an and removing square cubes of what appear to be rapidly moving events in time, mostly alien and incomprehensible, with the occasional brief flash of human, or humanoid.
As Daphne steps through the darkness, having to sometimes run for half an hour just to get around one of their massive bodies, she continues to search for what it is that she's here to steal. "Trippy…" she mutters to herself.
"Looking for this?" asks the man with the vaguely Japanese accent and long trench coat, katana on his back. This question is followed by him holding up a brown paper bag, as if it were any random school lunch. "I am Hiro Nakamura. Do you think I am going to let you have it? The Vanguard even reaches this far. You cannot escape us."
"Vanguard shamguard! I worked my ass off to get out here, you think I'll lose my swag to you? Bring it on, Samurai Jack!" Daphne charges at Hiro with her full speed, holding out a hand to form a red and rather thin looking Katana Light Saber.
Hiro quickly slips the bag into his jacket and vanishes, appearing behind her with his sword drawn. They clash and seemingly continue to burst in and out of sight until they're fighting on the head of one of those massive slowly walking giants, the surface of their heads practically the size of an entire planet. They keep fighting until Daphne eventually draws first blood, but that seems to piss Hiro off even more.
"I am the master of space and time, what do you expect to do with super speed?!" Hiro asks angrily, almost phasing out of existence before Daphne just smiles.
"This!" She vanishes with a sonic boom, blurring by Hiro, grabbing the bag from his jacket, then she jumps over the back end of the giant and falls down with her sword dragging a long cut all the way down to its foot.
But before either of the two can act again, the giant begins to violently shake, then it just explodes. The explosion of energy causes the other giants to explode, until suddenly everything just twists into a violent bending of space and time.
Then it's back to the class room as Daphne crosses her arms, sitting a brown paper bag on the table.
"Wait." Magnes says with a confused stare. "How did you get out of that?"
"With what was in the bag." She holds the bag up, dangling it. "Hiro may be the master of space, but I'm now the owner of time."
Sable slow claps, then stands up with one foot on the chair, and one on the desk. "Thas' a fine story an' all, but now it's my turn!"
"So how did you get here? I mean, didn't you come to school with me?" Magnes asks with a confused look, raising an eyebrow as he rests his cheek into his palm.
"Nah, thas' just how I got to school. I got in detention 'cause they were lookin' for me. Thought I escaped the fuckers, but this is how it happened…" Faaaaaaaaaade…
-
Atlanta, a dystopian wasteland since the incident known as the Time Swap. Hiro Nakamura was forcibly augmented, and all of Atlanta was completely replaced with a prehistoric desert full of dinosaurs and old west taverns.
"The name's Raven Diego, but fuckers who wanna keep their nuts call me Sable." She's riding on the back of her massive black Harley with a long flaming silver horse going along both sides of the bike, wearing her regalia of a sleeveless leather jacket with a silver horse head on the back, a white tanktop with some dog tags hanging from her neck, a pair of blue jeans, and some biker boots.
"This is my hometown, Atlanta. I say fuck this place, but I own it, 'cause there ain't any motherfucker who's gonna claim otherwise." Sable looks ahead as she spots a small town driving down the middle of this picture right out of the Old West. Parking directly outside of a salon, a seven foot tall man steps out, freakishly muscular in his black leather cowboy garb, he snarls and spits as he spots the small woman.
"Who the fuck are you, comin' in my town with all that goddamned noise?" the man asks as he holds hands over his holsters, reading to shoot.
"The name's Fuckin' Sable, as in I will fuckin' fuck your shit up. You got a problem?" Sable asks as she revs the engine even louder, taunting the man.
"If that's how it's gonna be, then die!" the man draws both guns, massive barrels, and begins rapidly firing. Of course the firing falls on deaf ears, because Sable immediately pulls out a long hooked chain and skillfully maneuvers it through the air, knocking each bullet to the ground before they can even enter her personal space. "Y'know what the price of shootin' at Sable is, right?"
"What the hell are you?!" he asks, backing up slightly.
"I don't think you were payin' attention. The name's Fuckin' Sable, and the price is fuckin' your shit up." Sable flings the chain forward, hooking it directly behind his skull, then she yanks it with such force that his entire skeleton comes out clean, and the rest of his body simply falls like a heap of dirty laundry.
"Don't need this junk." She tosses the skull aside without even touching it, then cuts the gas of her Harley and heads into the salon. "Gimmie a Caligula in Hell, in a dirty glass."
That's when it happens, there's a sudden crash, and one of her wheels are rolling across the tavern floor, before falling right behind her. "Who the fuck?" Sable asks before downing her drink, which is rather blood red in color with some sort of green crushed up plant floating on top, then she goes marching across the bar and kicks the door open.
What she finds is the most glorious sight she'd ever laid her eyes on. Abigail Beauchamp, wearing a form fitting sheriff's outfit, badge and all, with a brown cowboy hat and a piece of wheat hanging from the side of her lip. "I'm the actin' sheriff in this here town, and I ain't gonna let ya just walk in and muck it all up."
-
There's a short break from the story as Magnes raises his hand. "Wait, you knew Abby and you didn't tell me?" he asks, clearly surprised.
"'Course I did! Now shut the fuck up and let me finish."
-
Back to the story, Sable draws her chain from seemingly out of no where, licking her lips. "Normally I'd be all over tappin' that fine Southern ass, but today I'm jus' gonna have ta kick it!" She thrusts her chain forward, and Abby just seems to quickly draw her silver revolvers with golden crosses engraved on the barrels, firing at the chain so quickly and accurately that she completely stops it from reaching her.
"I don't think I told ya. The name's Abigail Beauchamp, fastest gun in the South. And ah do declare I'm gonna take you in." Abby holds two fingers to her mouth, then whistles.
"Oh shit, think I can't do that too?" Sable knows the deal, and holds up two fingers herself, and they both wait…
That's when dust can be seen in the distance, and two feathered Utahraptors slide to a stop next to each of the girls, screeching loudly. They're both around fifteen feet tall, and hunch down so both Abby and Sable can mount, grabbing the straps around their mouths.
"It's on now, Southern Comfort!" Sable goes charging through the desert on her raptor, and Abby goes right after her. They seem almost evenly matched, raptors trying to bite raptors, bullets deflecting from her chain and her chain deflected by bullets. "Ya'll ain't bad!" Abby compliments with a grin. But they can only have their battle for so long before the massive wooden air ship shadows overhead, two flapping metallic wings on each side.
"Shit, s'it Dread Pirates?" Sable asks as she stares up, and Abby stares up as well.
"T'ain't no Dread Pirates, it's the Vanguard!"
"Stop where you are. You are both being recruited to Chesterfield Academy." a loud booming French accent announces. "Zis is a warning."
"I ain't stoppin', how about ya'll?" Abby asks of Sable, and the shorter woman simply grins.
"Les take this fucker out." Sable raises the finger to the ship, and suddenly the raptors' wings expand, and they begin to fly through the air and up at the ship, Abby shooting rapidly with both hands as she stays firmly mounted with her sexy Southern leg grip.
"You 'ave been warned, now it is time for zi battle." That's when yet another shadow covers the sky, the large expansive colorful red, white, and black wings of a t-rex, with Francois riding on top of its head with about four different straps, held on tightly with a leather holster in his black and yellow military uniform. "You will be taken to zi academy, weather you like it or not."
The raptors go flying up to the t-rex, clawing through flesh as it attempts to chomp at them, firing gatling lasers from its two head mounts in hot pursuit of Sable.
"Ya'll ain't got what it takes to capture the fastest gun in the South!" Abby pursues the t-rex from behind, her raptor biting its feathered tail and holding on tightly. That's when she stands up on its back, then goes running up the larger dinosaur's spine until she's five feet behind Francois, holding her guns up at him. "Y'ain't gonna get away from this."
"Oui, mon amie. But I have zi experience on my side." Francois rolls back and draws a silver rapier, blocking both of Abby's bullets and holding it up to her neck. "Do not move, you are captured. I can slice faster than you can shoot."
"Ya'll got me, but you ain't gonna get her." Abby stares out as Sable flies as fast as she can manage, the air ship firing lasers and cannon balls as it tries to stop her.
"I'll come back for ya, Southern Comfort!" she calls back as she flies off into the sunset on her raptor.
-
"And that's why I said I'd come to school with ya." Sable explains patiently, crossing her arms. "Not everyone in Chesterfield Academy wants to be here, Abby's jus' on good behavior. She started down here with the rest of us."
"So, I need to save you all…" Magnes decides with a thoughtful look.
"That's right." Elle speaks up with a grin, twirling blonde hair around her finger. "Now I'll tell you how they got me. I'm a bit of a new girl, so this story takes place last week…"