Magnes' Wonderful Life

Magnes' Wonderful Life


Chesterfield Academy, the toughest college on the planet, and the only school specializing in Evolved issues. After The Bomb in 2006, Kazimir Volken took over a large portion of the the country and founded the academy, putting a man simply known as Raith in charge. We're in the Principality of Vanguard, and this is Magnes' Wonderful LIfe.

Lesson 1: Burn It With Healing

The sky sparkles like the shining spandex of Superman's tights, a cloud occasionally passing over the rather large gated academy. Magnes wears his blue uniform with the wolf emblem patch on his chest, looking down at the school rule book. "Alright, let's see here…"

Rule 1: These rule books write themselves as you read them, an Evolved science that's been perfected under the glorious rule of Vanguard. Do not peek ahead, Magnes J. Varlane, it's the number one rule. Do not peek ahead.

As he begins to turn the page, attempting to peek ahead, he suddenly hears footsteps, slamming the book shut to look up. And that's when he sees the most glorious thing he's ever seen in his entire life. Golden locks that sway in the breeze like a Tamaranean basking in the afterglow of battle and celebration. Eyes like big blue almonds, nose perfect, like… it's a very pretty nose. Lips that fill one with the burning desire to pretend their tongue only slipped, but she'd probably punch you if you did it. "Ah do declare, you were about to turn the page, weren't you?"

"I, uh, yeah, sorry, it won't happen again." Who was this woman? With the heavenly accent from a far away land he could only imagine in his wildest dreams. A gaze that could almost stop his heart simply because it wouldn't want to offend her beautiful ears with such an ugly and erratic noise. "My name's Magnes J. Varlane."

"Ah'm Abigail Beauchamp, you can call me Abby. Ah'm currently learnin' to use mah healin' ability ta help anyone who needs it. It gets kindah hard what with the ninjas and assassins, rival govarnments, and the occasional mad scientist tryin' ta kidnap me and all." she says with such a radiant bashfulness, Magnes could have sworn that the sun itself briefly heated a few degrees in her honor, just as the wind constantly blew her every lock of hair into its place.

"I'm a gravity manipulator, I was sent a mysterious letter that said I was accepted into the school. I'm not sure what I'll be doing here, I'm not even really sure what an Evolved school is." Oh dear god, she has hips, womanly curvacious hips! "Uhhh… can I walk you to class?"

"That's okay, ah've gotta catch up with mah group, secret healer meeting. I think King Volken sent a change of policy to the Dean." Her every word, he's hanging on her every word!

"Oh, uh, alright, I'll see you later, Abby!" He waves, heart fluttering with a million beats per second, floating dreamily into the door of the school as he loses sight of the most beautiful thing that ever burned into his retinas.

Lesson 2: The Blooming of Delilahs

I'm not sure how I went from that lunch room, to suddenly being under a naked British woman in her dorm*, and somehow, I don't really care how I ended up in this position. Turning my head around, I notice that she has lots of sundresses, I can't see the ceiling, her hair is in the way, god that hair is red. I think there's a dog banging on the door, I hope it doesn't break in, that would really really kill the mood.

*Walking up to Magnes in the lunch room, Delilah bends over, breasts dangling with impossible physics. "Would you like to come to my dorm and bake a pie with me?"

This might be one of the most amazing moments of my life, except for Sable with the mop stick, but this is definitely up there. I should probably do something, but I can't find an opening in her technique to actually make a move. And why is that clothespin buzzing…? Oh god…

"Noooo!" Magnes springs up in Delilah's bed, looking over at her. "When did I pass out?" he mutters to himself, then lays back down and sighs, glad that right before they started having sex, she turned eighteen.

Sitting in his office, doing chemistry, one Flint Deckard is peering through the walls, across the school, and into Delilah's room. "I won't stand for this! Moral outrage, that monster corrupting that poor, sweet, innocent girl, surely having given her some sort of instruction manual for all of those advanced, and highly debauched techniques. We will not have this at all! Mister Logan, get in here!"

Unlike Deckard and his manly wrinkles, Logan rushes in, wearing an old cheap blue suit, hair blonde, lips pouty and full of cochney evil. "I came as soon as I could, Mistah Deckard. 'e's a right corrupt boy, 'e is." He drops Magnes' file on Deckard's chemistry table, Logan reciting what he's read of it. "Fightin' a teacher, disrespectin' Italy, propositionin' a right propah girl, Sir. And a black light in most of the closet'll tell ya 'e ain't just friends wiv that short 'aired girl."

"Good work, Mister Logan. We will not let one of our prized students be corrupted by this Varlane evil." Mister Deckard stands, straightening his glasses. "Fetch my whiskey, boy, I have plans to write."

Logan nods quickly, shuffling through the door. "I'z on it, Sir!"

Lesson 3: Electric Boogaloo

(The following are notes scribbled inbetween the chapters)

The pros and cons of including Peter Petrelli.

Pro: Peter is vital, even in the 9th Wonders story.

Con: Peter sucks, nobody likes Peter.

Pro: Peter is the brother is Nathan Petrelli.

Con: Nathan Petrelli isn't in this story either.


Con: Fuck Peter.

Magnes and Sable have lots of sex, tons of it. Sable taught Magnes everything he knows, they even had a threesome once! Yeah… Sable, Magnes, and Quinn, they all totally did it. Quinn was in the story, she showed up in Sable's musical number, but I forgot to mention her by name, I think.

Delilah's boobs, I'd love to get my hands on those again…

I bet Abby is like a vicious animal in bed.

And Eileen flexes like some sort of crab walking spider.

Since I learned to French kiss from Tracy Strauss, and used those techniques on Claire, does that mean Claire kisses like Tracy Strauss now?

Peter really sucks, I don't want him in the story.

Apple pie. Pecan pie.

It would be distasteful to put Isabelle into the story.

(There is a line drawn across the page that says: "Magnes' penis, age 22")

Eileen never gave me my dog.

Lesson 4: Army of Cheers

Lesson 5: The Infinite Points of Eileen's Articulation

Lesson 6: One Fine Internet Dame; They Call Her Gillian

Lesson 7: Goddess of Rock and the Silken Thighs

Lesson 8: Pretty Magical Princess of Scotland

Lesson 9: A Blite to Remember

Lesson 10: Rise of the Dread Pirates

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