Feeling So Lost



Scene Title Feeling So Lost
Synopsis Cassidy buried in self pity, reflects that all women have the same dreams, but her's seem to have been stripped away.
Date July 01, 2009

Cassidy's Apartment

"I dunno what your problem is O'Shea, but I can't give you another day off, we're swamped. Get your ass down here tomorrow."


Cassidy's eyes closed against the sense of dread that clutched at her stomach as she hung up the phone. Dammit. She wasn't ready to face him. Not yet. The vision was still so fresh in her head. At least with distance, she could only feel his disappointment in her not coming to him, she didn't have to hear him say it.

Turning, Cassidy pressed her back against the kitchen counter and slid down to sit on the cool linoleum floor. The gray floral pattern, reflecting her drab mood. She wished Mortimer was there to hold her and give her a shoulder to cry on. She felt almost alone in that moment.

No.. not alone. Never alone again, she thought bitterly. But she did feel hollow. So very hollow.

What was she going to do? The day after the vision, she had walked into the squad room with her goodies and had seen Coren there. That's when the panic had settled in, he had felt it.. he had seen the vision replayed in her head. He wanted to talk about it… She didn't. So she had told the Desk Sargent she didn't feel well and left.

Don't…. was all that she said firmly, when she felt him get up to follow her intent on talking.

She wanted to be left alone and to have some privacy, but as much as she wanted to pretend she had it…. he was still there, even at this distance. In the back of her mind, a murmuring of emotions, the loudest of them was his worry. His worry for her. Always he worried.

Sighing heavily, Cassidy draws her knees up so that she can wrap arms around them and rest her chin on top. Her vision blurs slightly as tears fill her eyes, her stomach feeling sick with her self pity. She 's been drowning in it the last few days.

"It wasn't suppose to be this way."

"Why me?"

"My life is over."

Those three phrases have repeated themselves over and over in her head for the past few days. Maybe she was overreacting to a simple hallucination, but it's hard to ignore that it felt so real. Not to mention the vision was given to her in a church, by a pastor no less.

How could she believe that God had done this? Why had he? He had made it clear that if she does succeed in separating them, that he'd in a way punish them…. they'd never be whole again. Connecting them like that had stripped away, in a single moment of excruciating pain, every hope and dream she had.

There would be no falling in love and wrapping herself in the joy of it.

There would be no proposals or walks down the isle in a beautiful white dress.

And there would be no becoming a mother. No little redheaded children.

All the dreams little girls have as they grow up. Even though she hadn't even thought of those things recently, she never realized how much it would hurt to have them taken away. You may never get to fulfill those dreams in your life, but it was different to watch them slip through your fingers and not be options at all. If the vision was right, however, God had other plans for her, but why? Why her?

A tear slides slowly down her cheek. She felt so lost now.

"Someone help me find a way."

Of course, the only one able to help her was on his way.

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