Local News February 2010

MANHATTAN — In response to the concerns that individuals with the Suresh Linkage Complex may have been suffering ill effects from the recent H1N1 innoculations being distributed nationwide, the Center for Disease Control has issued an order for the segregation of Evolved and Non-Evolved innoculation recipients at all innoculation facilities around New York City.

Furthermore, the CDC has authorized volunteer genetic testing with the SLC Quick-Test blood kits at all innoculation sites for those concerned that they may possess the Suresh Linkage Complex, which has been loosely tied to the adverse reactions to the innoculations. With winter looking further and further away, more and more citizens of New York City are considering vaccinating themselves against the debilitating virus.

The CDCs decision to offer voluntary SLC testing at innoculation sites has sparked controversy in the pro-evolved community, fearing that vaccination recipients who test positive for the SLC will be forced into registering in compliance with the Linderman Act. While the CDC itself has no authority to enforce the registration, it is expected that the Department of Evolved Affairs will be closely monitoring these innoculation sites for results from the voluntary SLC testing.

STATEN ISLAND — Now one month into the Staten Island Reclamation Project, New York City's planning board has begun preparation for the revitilization of what the planning board is calling the Outer District, a stretch of Staten Island spanning from Interstate 278 to Great Kills Park and as far insland as Latourette Park. The Outer District will comprise dozens of city blocks of refurbished infrastructure including Staten Island University Hospital which went under renovations in January.

In accordance with the revitalization project, the outer district will be a fully-functional redesignation of neighborhoods on Staten Island designed to be a contained and secure community within which families of workers involved in the revitalization process will be invited to work and live. Security in the outer district will be maintained by the NYPD and National Guard on a temporary basis.

Plans for the reclamation of the neighborhood known by Staten Island locals as "The Rookery" will likely take place some time following the establishment of the security perimeter around the outer district. While the foundation work is being laid now, it is expected that the outer disitrict will not be habitable until sometime in November 2010 or beyond.

MANHATTAN — A miracle at St.Luke's hospital has generated a considerable amount of fame for one New York City surgeon and saved the life of one young terminal cancer patient. Doctor Darren Stevens made a remarkable discovery about himself after having claimed to be suffering from migraine headaches for much of the day on Wednesday, which he had attributed to stress and anxiety from the workplace.

That evening, while checking on the status of a young brain cancer patient in the children's ward of the hospital, Stevens claims that he could "feel the sickness" inside of the young patient when in close proximity to her. Stevens states that without any outward action on his part, he managed to deconstruct the tumor within the young patient with his mind and claims to have felt a "warm sensation in his hands" as he held them to her head. Stevens went on to contact his friend and chief of surgery Doctor Albert Bryers who found Stevens passed out on the floor of the patient's room.

Analysis of the patient the following morning indicated the miraculous, that Stevens had expunged — entirely — all signs of cancer within the young boy. Following an investigation and a statement to the police concerning the incident, Stevens was registered under the Linderman Act as a healer. He has claimed that he intends to stay on at St.Lukes and continue practicing medicine following a two-week break to "adjust" to this remarkable discovery.

Sources within St.Luke's claim that they have been innundated with requests for Dr.Stevens since word about the miraculous recovery and the presence of a "miracle healer" at the hospital and that families from outside of the United States have contacted the hospital in an attempt to secure a miracle cure for their family members and loved ones.

Dr.Stevens was not available for comment at the time of this printing.

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