That Helpless Feeling Sucks


abby_icon.gif elisabeth_icon.gif

Scene Title That Helpless Feeling Sucks
Synopsis Middle of the night breakdown begins.
Date Sep 10, 2009

Elisabeth's Apartment

The sheer amount of food that Abby found when she got to the apartment might have boggled anyone but the blonde bartender. In that respect, she and Elisabeth are somewhat alike — when all hell is breaking loose and you can't sleep, cook. Which is what Liz did last night. All night. Almost guaranteeing that she was going to crash like a ton of bricks tonight. There are so many things going wrong in Liz's day job right now she actually needs two hands just to count them all. And in spite of the help that a sweet dream manipulator had to offer, and in spite of the Xanax that Elisabeth has been popped at the earliest allowable between-dose times today…. the signs of strain are evident when Abby arrived. Somewhere around 11:15 Liz excused herself to go to bed. And somewhere near 1am, a sound reached Abby's ears. It was a tiny thing, muffled — something the blonde might have overlooked except for knowing the reasons she was staying overnight here.

The lights in Liz's bedroom were not on full blast when she went to bed — Hokuto's help did manage to allow for things like just leaving the closet light on and the door open to the bedroom. Maybe eventually she'll work her way down to the nightlight. And the lights are not on under the door when Abby looks either. But that sound comes once more, and it's out of place enough.

Elisabeth is sitting on the floor in the middle of her (pretty small) walk-in closet with her face buried against her sweatpant-covered knees, arms wrapped around her legs, in a tiny little ball of misery muffling the sounds of ragged, out-of-control sobbing in a pillow that she has pinned between her knees and her face.

White eyelet nightgown, faded fuzzy bleu slippers and a jersey blue robe - christmas gift from Leonard when he wasn't known as Leonard - Abigail pokes her nose in, followed by the rest of her into the bedroom. She's a light sleeper regardless, and with the occurances of the other night with Flint, she's been fairly tossy and turny herself.

But the muffled sound draws her further in when Liz's bed isn't occupied by her or by a shadow manipulating fairly handsome man - Abby is not dead, she can appreciate - till she's at the closet. Till she see's her friend and the pillow that's doing a somewhat good job of muffling any sound.

Down to her knee's she sinks then crawls forward a soft "liz?" from the younger blonde.

It is perhaps a sign of how far beyond tired Elisabeth is that the sound of Abby's voice doesn't even make her jump. She pulls her flushed and swollen face out of the pillow in a hurry, averting her gaze to try to hide the worst of it from Abby. Which is stupid, considering the fact that she's sitting in a closet. "I'm sorry," she rasps softly. "I didn't mean to wake you." Swiping at her runny nose with the back of one trembly hand, and then she shoves that same hand into the tangled mass of blonde hair floating around her sweaty face. Crying's hard work when you've been at it a while. "God, Abby… I feel so damn helpless." She ought to feel chilly in the spaghetti-strapped tanktop that she's sleeping in over the sweatpants — she keeps the bedrooms fairly cool — but she's got no attention left to pay to the temperature.

"I know. That helpless feeling sucks huh?" Her drawls mellowed, soft, like her mother soothing tones when she was young and woke up from nightmares and the like. Abigail shifts back up on her feet to plod over to the bed and grab the blanket on top and drag it over. "And don't apologize. I'm here for this. I don't have anything to do during the day Liz, I can sit up all night with you" And even if she did, she's still stay up with the blonde.

The blanket is wrapped around Liz's shoulder, to ward off the chill of the A/C and because it's a comforting thing. Pressure against the body in some small measure. Abigail settles in beside her afterward, sleep still clouding her eyes. "Talk? Or just sit?"

Dropping her chin back on top of the pillow she's clutching — it doesn't appear that it's the one she was sleeping on either — the tears haven't stopped leaking. Her breathing still bears the hitching sound of sobs. "He's cutting her," she whispers, agony in every line of her body. "He's cutting her and deliberately cauterizing the wounds to scar her. And we can't find her. Cass is somewhere… out of the city, far away. And Felix is… God only knows where in the city, and they're beating him. And breaking things in him. And maybe worse… maybe burning him or … cutting …. cutting… " She can't say it, the heaving breath shaking her whole body. "And I can't find them. I can't find them, Abby." She leans sideways and rests her head on the other woman's shoulder, sobbing softly.

The former healer wraps her arms around Liz, letting the woman rest her head. a multitude of shushing sounds come from her even as her chin drops to the top of Liz's head and holds her tight and at some point starts rocking her back and forth. She knew of Cassidy's pilfering from staying at Liz's and she knew of Felix thanks to many others and his current state, thanks to Peyton.

Nothign she can say will make it easier, Abigail understands this. There's no magic words, no miraculous movements. "We'll get her back Liz, and we'll get flint to her. Even if I have to pay him from the bar, we'll get rid of those scars. We'll be there for her like richard and I have been here for you and you two were there for me. She's going to have a hard time, a hard road, but you'll find her. You'll find a way to find her, you and Detective Doctor Shelby. You didn't give up on me, you won't give up on her. I know you" Her fingers run through the other blonde's hair, trying to pull out the tricks to bring her some small amount of comfort.

"I can talk to my friend, I have her number. I can see if she's looked in on Felix lately, get an idea of how he's doing. She's worried for him too"

She can't answer for the crying. It's not until the jag finally subsides some — because crying always goes in those waves of long minutes in flood and a respite — that she can finally speak wearily. "I don't… know if Peyton should look for Felix, Abby," Liz whispers. "The things she saw when she looked for Cassidy were…. enough to mentally scar anyone for life. And when she's looked for either of them… almost nothing she's seen has been of any use," she says sadly. "Teo … said that Danko is the one who pulled the trigger on me. And we know he's the one who has Felix." She hasn't even heard about Pastor Joseph's disappearance yet. "Every time I close my eyes…. I imagine what's happening to them," she admits softly. "I relive every moment that I can remember of… them. And I just feel so far beyond helpless."

"WHy do you do that liz? So you can punish yourself?" Abby asks quietly. "Felix was taken, Cassidy was taken, and there was nothing you could do about it. What's done is done. What matters is finding them, helping them when they are found. We have healers, we have people we know who can help them mentally, physically, every way that they will let us. We just have to hold in there, like they are Liz" Abigail's eyes water, she herself wishing that Joseph were at the church so she could go and talk to him. But he has problems of his own apparently back in Tennessee.

"You can't envision over and over what they're doing to either of them Liz, it won't do them any good and you end up in closets, crying. They wouldn't want that. They'd want you rested and with a fresh mind and finally coming up with the one thing that will lead you to them"

"That's the problem," Elisabeth grates out, lifting her head. "There isn't a single fucking thing out there that's leading us anywhere in but fucking CIRCLES!" She looks at Abby. "We've got Danko and Dean's names and faces and we still can't catch the fuckers." She shoves a hand into her hair again, her hand resting along her jaw as she props her elbow on her raised knees. She looks exhausted. "And it's not like I'm doing it on purpose," she adds for good measure. "It's just…. happening."

Liz isn't yelling at her. Liz is just yelling and venting so Abigail's not going to take it personal, not take it wrong when the woman starts swearing and talking. Face to face with the other woman, she releases her arms a bit, blue eyes regarding the other woman. "So what, right now, can I do to help you. Do you want to get dressed and me too and we go scour the streets? Do you want to go into work and look at the registry and see who's got an ability that you can ask them to help you? What can I do right now, to help you Liz?"

Liz wishes she had an answer. Any answer. "I don't know," she finally admits. "I've already scoured the registry. We've tried getting hold of Parkman — his daughter's talent *is* to locate people. No joy so far." She heaves a sigh and says quietly, "This? This kind of thing makes me wonder how many times Hiro Nakamura has tried to change the futures he sees… and how many times he's failed." She's quiet for a long moment. And then she blurts out to Abby softly, "I want a future. Teo …. and Helena too…. kind of gave me the impression that I actually had a pretty good life in that future. I'm reasonably sure I wasn't…. visited by Humanis First that time." She looks at Abby and says quietly, "But right before they grabbed me… I had a negative pregnancy test. And while I was sitting there… with that damn song… I realized that I want at least some parts of that future. Not… like this second, but… there are things from it that I'd like to have someday. And I don't… know how to get from here to there." She pauses. "I usually have a plan."

"One step at a time Liz. That's how you do it. FLint told me something the other night" Flint's told her a lot of things, drunken and otherwise, but usually it's something that is deceptively profound. The guy doesn't talk much frankly, but when he does, you listen.

"It's not a race Liz. We're not in some 100 mile sprint and the end is just in sight. It's not even some marathon. You want a child, then.. you make the plan to have one when you feel it's right. Not just because you had one in the future, in some future. If there's one thing I learned from Hiro Nakamura it's that by knowing the future, you change that future. Myabe a little, maybe a lot." Her hand still rests on Liz's back.

"someone will screw up and we'll find Felix and Cassidy. We both know people who know things. I'm sure Hana in her own way is listening for any clues"

Elisabeth grins just a little at that advice. "I'm hearing that a lot lately. Telling it to myself a lot. One baby step at a time." She looks around at the closet. "This was my baby step for the week. Well, and managing to tell the shrink what happened. I don't think I can… take too many more steps right now." She sighs, rubbing her jaw absently with her fingertips. "Can't plan for a future when I'm not sure I'll live past tomorrow," she admits softly. "I expect them, every minute, to just take a sniper shot at me, Abby." She shakes her head. "Someone's going to mention I survived, and it'll be moot." She seems…. very matter-of-fact about the idea, really. Not being dramatic, just…. accepting that death will come for her right now. Though perhaps it's a symptom of the situation.

She sighs heavily. "C'mon, lady…. let hit the beds again," she says tiredly. "Sitting here doing this isn't doing anything but makin me look like I got mumps or something," she comments. "Tomorrow's another day." Another one closer to finding Felix('s body) and maybe Cassidy('s body). "I gotta leave early to check in on Nakano's parents at the hospital," Elisabeth tells Abby softly. "One of the forensics techs is hooked on Refrain. She was … trying to make the headaches that came with her power stop." Shaking her head. "I'd almost be tempted to try it except I have this notion that where there's a great memory, there's also a horrible one… and just my luck, I'd shoot up and get the bad trip." She smiles a little. It's supposed to be a joke.

"Rebecca?" Abigail's face goes to a different version of concerned. "Can I come with you? I know her. Well, I knew her. She stopped by the conference room after I was brought there from Staten. She brought me a meal cause she didn't know if I'd eaten, she'd tries to help move things along" But she's moving while speaking, helping liz up and collecting the blanket. "Back into bed, we can talk more when the world is washed in sunlight and not moonlight. I'll come sleep in the bed with you. You're no flint Deckard, but you'll do" trying to break the levity of the situation. "Need me to go get our little white pills?"

Elisabeth looks surprised. "Rebecca, yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you knew her. Of course you can come with." That Abby knows someone Liz knows ought not to surprise her at all. Abby's got a huge network of people-knowing going on. She lets herself be bullied into the bed, and she says quietly, "No… I think I might be tired enough to sleep without them." It amuses her that they're taking the same pills. Clambering into her bed and pulling the blankets up, Elisabeth snuggles in with the pillow under her head and the one she's been hugging. "You can sleep on Richard's side." He's got a side now. "But you gotta bring the pillow from the other bed." Cuz she's not giving up his pillow. And Liz hesitates. "No one's actually slept in the bed with me since I got back…. if I wake up screaming, get clear first, okay?" Cuz Richard might doze with her when he stays, but his hours are primarily nocturnal lately, so a lot of times they're kind of hot-bunking it except for catnaps.

"Yeah yeah, I know the drill, remeber, you slept with me when I was here" Abigail points out. She doesn't need a pillow, she can sleep without one. "I'll roll off the bed, I promise and wait till your done shattering windows" She tucks liz in, drawing blankets up before settling in herself.

Elisabeth mumbles, "Can't shatter these bastards. Alec made sure." She grins sleepily.

"Yeah, I know. He did the same to my place" Abigail watches, quietly from her curled up spot on the bed. She's going to be awake, not asleep, beside the other woman. Watch over her for the rest of the wee hours of night and morning. That's what friends do.

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