Understanding the Ladies


toru_icon.gif amadeus_icon.gif

Scene Title Understanding the Ladies
Synopsis Toru and Amadeus lie in bed and talk about sex. … … Sex with ladies.
Date September 2, 2010

Amadeus's Van

A van, down by the river.

Wednesday night is going to be one of those nights, where Amadeus has no choice but to sleep in his van because he didn't make it to a hotel fast enough to shack up with someone. For the last few nights, he's been letting a certain someone sleep in his van since he hasn't been using it, but tonight the sudden return of the owner is unexpected. He swings the doors open, a joint in his mouth, then kicks at the bed with plain white sheets that takes up most of the vehicle's back space. "Hey, Toto, I'm your roommate tonight. If you drunk all my whiskey I'm gonna kick your ass." he says as he tosses his black bat bag into a black drunk that holds most of his possessions, then straightens his AC/DC shirt and slams the door shut.

Toru has had better nights!! He just got back from a crappy bar fight (that he was totally winning before it got broken up), had a 'pleasant' little altercation with Logan and was kind of looking forward to— spending the night alone in some other dude's van. Living the good life. He's still awake, at least, when Amadeus rolls back in, though he's lying on the bed and facing the back wall, the glow of his phone illuminating his face. Finishing up whatever it is he's doing, he switches the screen off, shoves phone into pocket, and rolls over to squint up at roomie. "I told you not to call me that, Wolfy." Hand is run over his hair, brushes at it a bit. "And I don't drink whiskey. What're you doin' here?"

"It's curfew, can't make it to the hotel so I can shack up with a chick and have a room, so I came here." Amadeus kicks his shoes off and crawls up on to the bed, then reaches over to grab the whiskey after dropping the joint into Toru's lap. "Whatever, Toto. So, I met this fine ass chick that my dad used to hang out with, and I figure if I get to know her, she'll tell me more shit about 'im. But she don't like me very much. I think she thinks I'm rude. Tell me some fancy words that'll make a chick think I'm like, really classy."

Toru ponders joint a moment, shrugs, sits back against van wall and takes a slow drag off it. Then coughs a little before passing it back over. "Shit, man, maybe try not caring so much about what your dad thinks. Your lameass dad ditches you, you ditch him back. Stickin' around with my family ain't gotten me nowhere, now I don't pay 'em mind and look where I am." That probably doesn't sound like a very good endorsement. "Fuck. Fancy words. Shit, I dunno, try just— fuckin. Tell her she's pretty and shit, broads dig that. Get 'er some flowers or somethin'. Chicks like it when you buy them shit."

"Fuck what my dad thinks, I just wanna know what kinda guy he is, I wanna know more. It's for me, not him." Amadeus waves a dismissive hand at the joint, and instead opens the bottle to take a long drink of his whiskey. Letting out a satisfied sigh, he turns his head to face Toru again. "She ain't, uh, well she don't seem like a chick who's gonna fall for that kinda shit. 'Cides, I don't wanna get in 'er pants. I mean, I'd totally wreck that shit if she let me, but that ain't what I wanna do. I just wanna get to know her so I can like, know what kinda people my dad keeps around, then maybe I can know a little more about him."

Toru shakes his head. "Whatever, bro, I just don't get why you give such a shit. Family drags you down, if this is a thing where you just wanna see what kinda guy the dude is then— fuck, I mean, have you just said that's what you wanna do? If she's a smart broad then she's probably one'a those girls who's gonna be all— " and here he raises his voice to a falsetto, "— 'oh that's so sad that you don't know your dad you poor thing, I'll tell you all about him and then I'll bone you 'cause I feel so bad'. And if that don't work.. I dunno, say shit like.. Canandaigua, and.." he waves a hand vaguely, looking for words. "Pontificate. Velocity! That kinda shit."

"I'm tellin' you, she ain't that kinda chick. She's, like, fuckin' wise or somethin'. No, that ain't the word… mysterious, that's it. I don't know what her deal is, but I figure I'll learn a lot of crazy shit if I stick with 'er. And she hates my fuckin' guts, so tryin' to get in 'er pants is the last thing I wanna try. Yeah, she's smokin', but I ain't even gonna go there. Last straight-laced chick I tried to get, made me feel like shit." Amadeus takes another swig of his bottle, shaking his head. "I ain't gonna try an' stick my dick in a beehive just 'cause I love fresh honey, they've got perfectly good honey in jars."

"…Just so we're clear, are you sayin' you stick your dick in those plastic bears or are you sayin' you'd rather get a hooker? I kinda lost where you were goin' with that." Toru pauses, shakes his head. "Second thought, I don't even wanna know. Dude, I think you're goin' at this the wrong way." He pushes himself forward, moves around to cross his legs, and sets a hand on each knee, all serious-like. "You wanna get at your dad, you gotta go after your dad. You ain't tryin' to get in with a chick by banging her friend and gettin' her to say how great you are, you're tryin' — you're not tryin' to bang your dad, right? So just friggin' track him down and go straight to him. The chick shouldn't even be a thing."

"Last time I tried to talk to my dad, he threw me through a table. What would you rather do, hang out with a dude who'll probably get pissed and kick my ass again, or hang around a blonde with a nice ass who ain't all that bad on the eyes either? Yeah, I ain't gettin' in her pants, but I'd rather learn about 'im from her than deal with his bullshit." Amadeus reaches over into his trunk and pulls out a bag of popcorn, starting to chomp down on a hand full. "When I say honey in jars, I mean, like, I don't gotta get my dick through a bunch of bees to get to it. The bees mean, like, all the changin' me and makin' me into this fine young gentleman and shit, then hurtin' my feelings and shit. That's why I ain't messin' with straight-laced girls anymore."

"Well right, but then you started with honey in jars and— fuckin'— anyway!" Toru shakes his head, waving his hands a bit — he's got stretchy gloves on that go down to his elbows, for some reason — and waves one dismissively. "So you know your dad's a douche who wants to throw dudes through tables and you're what, thinkin' maybe he's all deep and shit?" He takes another hit off that joint, stifles coughing. "I think you can pretty much infer plenty of shit from that, y'know? I mean, if he did that and he knows you're his kid then you can figure he ain't a nice guy. What the hell else do you need to know, find out if he's got an inheritance so you can off 'im? Bang one of your straightedge chick's loose friends and call it good."

"I don't fuckin' know what I want, I just feel like I need to do this, it's like, fuckin' in me. And for once I ain't thinkin' with my dick, stop tryin' to push me there!" Amadeus says as he roughly nudges Toru in the arm. "Fuck, Toto, I don't fuckin' know what I'm doin', I just gotta get her not to hate me if I'm gonna learn anything. Maybe I'll speak French…"

Toru shoves back!! But good-naturedly. Gosh. "Shit, man, whatever! You don't see me spendin' every night in a hotel room with some chick, why you comin' to me with this shit? I mean, I'm aight with the ladies but I guess I'm just naturally classier'n you." He shrugs in a way to suggest that he knows just how terrible this must be for Amadeus, then scratches the back of his head. "Fuck, okay, how about like.. pretend like this chick is someone you like, really respect or someone who's like really important, like the friggin' President or David Bowie or the Dalai Lama or someshit. And you like, wanna really impress 'em 'cause they could totally flatten the shit outta you and everything you own so you don't wanna fuck up. Don't fuggin' swear so much, if a chick doesn't swear then she probably don't like it when guys do, neither."

"She made a no swearin' rule. Alright, I got it, I totally get this plan. I've gotta talk to 'er like she was Bon Scott, or Johnny Fuckin' Rotten. Or, fuck, one of the classiest chicks in music, Courtney Fuckin' Love. You see how she holds a cigarette? That's how they do shit up in English and shit, with the castles." Amadeus shoves the popcorn over inbetween him and Toru now, then reaches back into the trunk, this time for a very large half-eaten peanut butter cup he's been nibbling at for a few days. "Fuckin' genius, Toto."

There is a bit of a wince when Amadeus mentions a certain Sex Pistols frontman; he reaches over for some popcorn, chomps down a handful, and "You really — don't talk to her like she's friggin' Johnny Rotten. That is the worst thing probably. Motherfucker's all— I mean if you mean like in the respect way yeah that's cool, just don't — if you talk to her like she's Johnny Rotten she'll probably kick your ass, homes." He stretches his hands out in front of himself, fingers tangled together, and pulls his hands over his head once done. Gettin' all cozy. "But yeah like, gotta remember ladies like it when you act like you think they're hot shit and their word is law an' all that. Still think you should bribe 'er with somethin', though." Shrug. "Chocolates or flowers or like.. somethin' nicer than cheap but not nice like you wanna bang her, nice like something a gay dude would buy a ladyfriend."

"And stop fuggin' calling me that."

"Ain't nothin' you can be a chick that'll make her think you wanna do anything but bang 'er. Safest thing you can do is not but 'em anything at all." Amadeus explains with a solemn nod, chomping into his peanut butter cup while hunched over the bottom squeezed inbetween his legs. "Two things you gotta remember about women. Don't buy 'em shit unless you wanna bang 'em, and don't drink through a bottle out of a straw, makes you look like a pussy."

"That's pretty deep, man. Or pretty cheap, I dunno which. But I guess that's probably a good idea, I dunno what you'd get for a friendlady and you dunno either. It's just, y'know, shit makes it easier to bribe people." A thought suddenly occurs to Toru, and he lies back down along the mattress, takes a hit off the joint, offers it back over again. "Speaking of, let's say you got a chick you got history with and you're tryin' to get back with her, and she does that whole 'I need time' BS then you go and get in a fight with someone turns out to be a friend of hers. And he totally started it, but she's pissed at you again. And dammit, I was fuckin' winnin' before— she jumped in and pulled us apart like I'm some kinda pansy can't hold my own. Whatta you figure I oughtta do?"

"Don't want no more, whiskey and pot at the same time just fucks my head up." Amadeus says as he turns down the joint again, still occasionally sipping his bottle. "You gotta show 'er who's boss, that you're the fuckin' shit. Say you ain't mean to get all violent, be all, sensitive, y'know? Then start seducin' her and shit. Then you bend that bitch over a table and lay into 'er 'till she can't walk straight." he offers his bit of perfectly classy advice while taking another bite of his peanut butter cup. "She'll forget all about the fight and shit."

Toru nods at that explanation about the pot, though at the same time he lifts his foot up to his knee, snuffing the joint out on the bottom of his shoe. Well then. The suggestion is listened to with some skepticism, though after he thinks about it for a moment, Toru nods slowly. "I don't.. really know if that'll work with this broad, but maybe I should oughtta get more bossy about it. Thing is I kinda fucked up with 'er and she ain't lettin' me forget that, which means she ain't gonna forget it any time soon. I bought 'er a fuggin' nice wallet and everything, man." He shrugs, lifts hand to tap fingers against inside van wall, getting all cozy. "So the fuckup and the fight.. ladies is fuckin' complicated. I'll try seein' where that'll get me."

"Don't crawl back, you gotta stand your fuckin' ground. Don't buy 'er shit, you can't act like you want 'er back, that's like sayin' you're wrong. The best thing you can do is never admit you're fuckin' wrong. You can say you're sorry, but you don't say you're wrong, and that's what a present means, Toto." Amadeus breaks a piece of his large peanut butter cup, offering it over. "Stand your fuckin' ground and she'll see how much of a fuckin' man you are."

Toru takes the chocolate without even thinking about it, chewing on it with determination as he nods. Resolutely. "Yeah, man! I gotta stop bein' so snivelly with 'er, she likes to act like she's all tough and in charge and shit, y'know? I'm William fucking Wallace, I am fucking ten feet tall and I will rail the hell outta that broad before she knows what hit her. Fuck yes. This is going to happen." He punches the mattress with clenched fist, all manly. "Present was a bad fuckin' idea, I was tryin' to be all sensitive but she just like, is usin' that to try and use me. She's a mindfucker, man, you don't wanna mess with this chick."

"I know all the fuckin' tricks chicks try. If you give 'em a present, it just gives 'em a way to use their fuckin' chick powers. They can tell how you're feelin', how to fuckin' manipulate you, and see-your-fucking-soul through a gift. If all you've got is you, she's fuckin' lost." Amadeus takes another whiskey swig, sounding a little tipsy by now. "Don't let 'er see your fuckin' soul, Toto, that's how they fuckin' hurt you."

"Homie you have no fucking clue how right you are about that." Toru shakes his head, runs a hand through his hair, getting fingers all entwined for a moment before letting that arm drop back to his side. "She's a user, man. She knows where to get me. But man.. normally I'd drop a broad like that but shit we done and all that, I don't wanna let it all go. She's the only guy makes me feel like a real person sometimes, y'know? It's like nobody else means shit, I ain't never given a damn about nobody before or nobody since yet. It's fucked up, but I guess shit is like that sometimes."

"You know you just fuckin' said 'guy'? But fuck all that, ain't no chick out there worth all the trouble. They all stab you in the end, you gotta remember that. You move on before they move on, safest fuckin' bet. I ain't never had a proper girlfriend, 'cept this chick I mooched off for three years." Amadeus dramatically points over at Toru with a wobbly arm. "Don't no chick out there really give a shit, don't fuckin' forget. If they can't change you, if they can't make you into what they want, you're out on your ass and they'll go find some fuckin' frat boy."

"Guy, chick, whatever, it's gender neutral and she's kinda butch anyway." Toru brushes that one off oh-so-casually, but shakes his head. "Naw, man, that's the thing, she's totally like… it was never an exclusive kinda thing, she wasn't like a girlfriend I'd take back to meet ma or get married to or nothin'. She had dudes on the side, I didn't give a shit 'cause I ain't out to control 'er, I'm just happy if I get a piece of the pie, y'know? It was all good 'til I fucked up. But whatever, I think I have an idea where to start thinkin' about how to fix it, anyways." He shakes his head, rolling over on the mattress to face away from Amadeus, making a few vague noises as he gets himself comfortable. "See, you get drunk and I get buzzed and we can fix all our problems between the two of us, man."

"I could be fuckin' a celebrity right now." is all Amadeus has to say to that, screwing the cap on his bottle, dropping it and the peanut butter cup into the trunk, then rolls over away from Toru to close his eyes.

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