Weather Report March 14th 2010


"…and now we cut to Charlie Atkins with the weather, Charlie?"

"SNOW! SNOOOOOOW! EIGHTEEN INCHES OF SNOOOOOOW!" A red-faced screaming weatherman stands in front of a screen depicting the northeast coast of the United States, with an enormous weather front of clouds hovering over everywhere from Washington DC all the way up through to northern Maine. "We are experiencing the single most malevolent winter weather pattern I have seen in all eighteen years of my meteorological history! Take a look at this storm!" He steps aside, circling with his pointer around the swirling storm front, which resembles an elliptical hurricane hovering over the northeastern US.

"This— this monster of a storm has already dumped over three feet of snow on New York alone, and we're hearing reports of up to four feet of snow in southern Maine! Look! At! This! Storm!" The weatherman waves his hand at the screen, eyes practically bugging out of his head.

"Let's take a look at the five day forecast…" The screen behind him changes to a divided up calendar of Sunday through to Thursday. "Oh look— SNOOOOOW!" He screams again with a raging voice, one hand flapping wildly towards the middle of the week. "We have flurries all across from Sunday on through Tuesday, and then— then— we're looking at a moooooonster of a blizzard to nail us on Wednesday. We're going to see roughly six inches of precipitation late Tuesday night, a solid foot of snow come Wednesday, and another six inches tapering off into Thursday morning. If you have plane tickets to Fiji I'd cash them in now!"

"Expect tremendous flight delays, cancellations, public transportation shutdowns and possible even sporadic power outages from high winds and heavy snow in outlying neighborhoods in New York City. If you're living on Staten Island and watching this broadcast, get out. There's no public works out there, no plows, no electricity in most places! Find yourself somewhere safe and go go go! Because you know what's going to be coming? OVER EIGHTEEN INCHES OF SNOOOOOW!"

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